I'll Be There

Dear Papa,

You would have turned 78 today. Today was a busy day. I'm grateful for that. It means I didn't have much time to think about all the things I'm missing without you here. I went to work, went to school and made it all the to Brookwood before I broke. See there's this song by Josh Turner that makes me miss you so strongly that I feel like I might break all over again. The song lists all the things you're supposed to be here for. There's not much in it that doesn't make me think of you. "Anytime, anything, anywhere. I'll be there." but you're not here. I feel very fortunate that I have so many wonderful memories of time spent with you and of you being there for me, but it doesn't always help.

"I'll Be There" - Josh Turner
When you need picked up 'cause you fell down
Need a piggyback ride or a birthday clown
Need a song to take you to sleepy town I'll be there
When you need a coach or you need a fan
Need a castle built out of ocean sand
Or a rainbow chaser,
I'm your man
I'll be there

[Chorus:]
I'll be a tear dryer
A paper airplane flyer
A monster runner-offer if you get scared
I'll be a sap I'll be a sucker
A story maker-upper
Anytime, anything, anywhere I'll be there
When you break your heart or skin your knee
Need a big ol' hug or a bowl of ice cream
I promise you can count on me

[Chorus:]
I'll be a heart menderA prayer sender
A hoper and believer when it's all up in the air
A strong and steady shoulder
I'll be a secret holder

Anytime, anything, anywhere
I'll be there If you need a frown turned to a grin
Or you need a hand just to hold your hand
Need a daddy or you just need a friend
I'll be there
I'll be there
I'll be there

It's been just over 4 years and I can honestly say that it is easier. The thing that most people don't get is that it's not that my grief has lessened, it's that I've adjusted my baseline. I've learned to live with an essential part of me missing. I don't hear you anymore. I've gone through every picture, hoping to catch a time when you accidently put the camera on video and recorded for a few seconds. Hoping to find you saying something. Even as simple as, "Just a sec."

I love you Papa, and I'll see you when it's time.

68 Ford Memory

While I know that I posted this on FB, and most of you who read this are on FB and have probably seen it, I thought I'd share the story behind it. I didn't see a circle and say, "Wow that's perfect!" I honestly didn't even see the circle to start with. I had been brainstorming all kinds of things that I could take pictures of throughout the week. Wanting to come up with the perfect one and there were some others that I came up with. This picture actually started with a smell. The pungent aroma of gasoline. Now this wouldn't be unusual if I were say at gas station, but I was in the parking lot at work.

As I was walking to my car, focused as I always am to get gone as quickly as possible. I stopped short as I was instantly 12 years old again. I was climbing up onto the bench seat of the Big Blue Beast. Now honestly, I don't have any specific memories of being in this truck, but I associate it specifically with spending time with my dad.

In the past couple of years I have spent so much time thinking about the negative aspects of my childhood, but I'd much rather focus on the positive. Waking up early to go fishing with Dad, even though I'd leave him to do the fishing and I'd go exploring. It was more about the drive and the music quizzes than it ever was about the fish. I never did learn to like putting worms on hooks or taking the hook out of a fish. I remember dad helping me with my homework, especially with math.

Needless to say, this picture is a result of a happy memory.

Alone

 Today was one of those days when I felt increasingly alone. I don't understand what's got me to this point. Why do I seem to have the inability to make and keep friends? My time is spent reading alone, watching tv alone, eating alone, riding my bike alone, shopping alone. Growing up I was always told that I was so outgoing and made friends so easily, but here I am at 27 and I have two friends and they're the only ones who read my blogs too. Sure I have tons of people I consider friends and people I care about, but how well do I know them and how well do they know me? When was the last time I spent any time with these people? What is wrong with me? What is it I do that makes people want to run? Do I just try too hard? Or is it that I don't try hard enough and people just slip away?

It's been a long time since I've felt this alone. Like I'm a shadow moving through life. I'm not outgoing, I'm annoying. Who wants to hang out with someone who talks all the time and doesn't do anything interesting to begin with? Being so positive lately must be wearing on me and my negative side is slipping.

I'll be ok, eventually. Just as soon as I figure out what to do.

Speaking of him...

SO... I guess it's time for the "new guy" post. Jesse and I met online, we "chose" each other on a dating website. We started talking and the next day we were meeting up for lunch.

It was the least awkward first meeting I think I've ever had. At the risk of being crazy it was kinda like this quote I found: "And then my soul saw you and it kind of went 'Oh there you are. I've been looking for you'" but it was more of a "hey, there's something about you..." For the longest time I've found myself so nervous on first dates. Especially when it comes to the actual, "So you must be..." part. Literally racing heart, sweaty palms, whole bit! These things were missing when I met Jesse. I was so unbelievably relaxed that I felt like I was meeting a long-time friend for a bite.

Our lunch lead to a two hour conversation at the table. The conversation lead to a walk in the park and more conversation. The walk in the park lead us on a wild adventure where we dared the less traveled paths and stumbled upon private property and many cobwebs. After walking the entire park, we settled down on a stage type area overlooking a small pond with a few curious and hungry ducks to watch. This eventually lead to our first kiss. *I know, on a first date? But it was like a magnetic force pulling us together* Kissing Jesse is like being set on fire!

We decided that we still weren't done spending time together. It seemed a movie was in order. We took my car back to my place and hung out and talked until it was time to go to the movie.

This first date, "lets meet for lunch" lasted 11 hours. :-D


It's been just under three weeks and I spent 10 days of that out of town so I don't know where this is going, yet. I know that I like him. I like the way I feel when I'm with him and I like the way he makes me feel. So for now, I'm waiting...

Waiting

This is where I am. I'm in this despicable place waiting for something to happen.

I'm just waiting.

Waiting for the right connection to get me an actual interview in the field I spend 7 years working towards.

Waiting for an interview to lead to an actual teaching job.

Waiting for MY classroom.

Waiting for a place to belong.

Waiting for a space of my own.

Waiting to know if this is it.

Waiting for the sub jobs to come.

Waiting for fall.

Waiting for Halloween.

Waiting for a text to make me smile.

Waiting for the next time I'll feel butterflies.

Waiting to know if he's all in.

Waiting to know if the biggest mistake of my life is finally laid to rest.

Waiting to know if I'm headed in the right direction.

Waiting to know if tomorrow will be better than today.

Waiting to know if I can really stand behind my decisions.

Waiting to know if the decision is the right one.

You see I'm waiting, but it's ok because there are also the things that I know and the things I know help me to deal with the things I'm waiting on.

I know that MY classroom is out there somewhere.

I know that I do belong somewhere.

I know that with a little more hard work and sacrifice I'll have my space.

I know that the sub jobs will come, and I love subbing.

I know that fall is just around the corner.

I know that Halloween is only 37 days away.

I know that the text will come, eventually.

I know that the next time I see him, there will be butterflies.

I know that he's in and that's something.

I know that for all the stress in my life that I'm happy, healthy, safe and loved and for now that's enough. It's enough to balance out a lot of those things I'm waiting on.

I'm ready!

There are so many things that I'm ready for I don't know where to begin.

I'm ready to take life by the reins.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to do this... but I've got some ideas... just gotta get them going.

I'm ready for love.

Not sure that there's much I can do here... work on not being timid maybe...

I'm ready for Grad School.

This is one that I don't have to work on, unless you count actually being there. It's one ball in full motion!

I'm ready for a place of my own.

This is another one that I don't have control over. Best bet, work on building up that savings account!

I'm ready for motivation.

Not that I ever expect to look like this, but I know that I have to dig down deep or I'm going to spiral out of control.

More than anything, I'm ready for

More life! More love! More happiness!

A Dream and A Hug

Last night I had a dream. (Not surprising if you know me) In this dream there were lots of things going on, it was a busy dream. Of all the things that were going on I only have a vague idea of what was happening. I was meeting someone in this place. I was nervous to see them, it'd been a while and I really liked them. I was bombarded by dogs as I entered. There was a demonstration with knives, simply cutting meat. Then instead of meat, it was a human, and a human skull being hacked. All these things were going on, but they aren't what stood out. They're still not something that stands out. What really stood out was a hug.



This simple embrace between the two of us. It felt like love and coming home. Like peace and happiness. I can still feel this lingering effect of that hug, even though it was only in a dream. It feels like a reminder of what's to come. I know who I saw in my dream... and maybe that's the person I'm supposed to be hugging like that in the real world. I don't know yet, but I sure wouldn't mind finding out! And if it's the person I saw, well I don't think I'd mind much if at all. ;)