My World... what I MAKE of it

I'll Be There

2012-01-31T21:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Papa,

You would have turned 78 today. Today was a busy day. I'm grateful for that. It means I didn't have much time to think about all the things I'm missing without you here. I went to work, went to school and made it all the to Brookwood before I broke. See there's this song by Josh Turner that makes me miss you so strongly that I feel like I might break all over again. The song lists all the things you're supposed to be here for. There's not much in it that doesn't make me think of you. "Anytime, anything, anywhere. I'll be there." but you're not here. I feel very fortunate that I have so many wonderful memories of time spent with you and of you being there for me, but it doesn't always help.

"I'll Be There" - Josh Turner
When you need picked up 'cause you fell down
Need a piggyback ride or a birthday clown
Need a song to take you to sleepy town I'll be there
When you need a coach or you need a fan
Need a castle built out of ocean sand
Or a rainbow chaser,
I'm your man
I'll be there

[Chorus:]
I'll be a tear dryer
A paper airplane flyer
A monster runner-offer if you get scared
I'll be a sap I'll be a sucker
A story maker-upper
Anytime, anything, anywhere I'll be there
When you break your heart or skin your knee
Need a big ol' hug or a bowl of ice cream
I promise you can count on me

[Chorus:]
I'll be a heart menderA prayer sender
A hoper and believer when it's all up in the air
A strong and steady shoulder
I'll be a secret holder

Anytime, anything, anywhere
I'll be there If you need a frown turned to a grin
Or you need a hand just to hold your hand
Need a daddy or you just need a friend
I'll be there
I'll be there
I'll be there

It's been just over 4 years and I can honestly say that it is easier. The thing that most people don't get is that it's not that my grief has lessened, it's that I've adjusted my baseline. I've learned to live with an essential part of me missing. I don't hear you anymore. I've gone through every picture, hoping to catch a time when you accidently put the camera on video and recorded for a few seconds. Hoping to find you saying something. Even as simple as, "Just a sec."

I love you Papa, and I'll see you when it's time.

68 Ford Memory

2012-01-15T21:32:00.000-08:00

While I know that I posted this on FB, and most of you who read this are on FB and have probably seen it, I thought I'd share the story behind it. I didn't see a circle and say, "Wow that's perfect!" I honestly didn't even see the circle to start with. I had been brainstorming all kinds of things that I could take pictures of throughout the week. Wanting to come up with the perfect one and there were some others that I came up with. This picture actually started with a smell. The pungent aroma of gasoline. Now this wouldn't be unusual if I were say at gas station, but I was in the parking lot at work.

As I was walking to my car, focused as I always am to get gone as quickly as possible. I stopped short as I was instantly 12 years old again. I was climbing up onto the bench seat of the Big Blue Beast. Now honestly, I don't have any specific memories of being in this truck, but I associate it specifically with spending time with my dad.

In the past couple of years I have spent so much time thinking about the negative aspects of my childhood, but I'd much rather focus on the positive. Waking up early to go fishing with Dad, even though I'd leave him to do the fishing and I'd go exploring. It was more about the drive and the music quizzes than it ever was about the fish. I never did learn to like putting worms on hooks or taking the hook out of a fish. I remember dad helping me with my homework, especially with math.

Needless to say, this picture is a result of a happy memory.

Alone

2011-10-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days when I felt increasingly alone. I don't understand what's got me to this point. Why do I seem to have the inability to make and keep friends? My time is spent reading alone, watching tv alone, eating alone, riding my bike alone, shopping alone. Growing up I was always told that I was so outgoing and made friends so easily, but here I am at 27 and I have two friends and they're the only ones who read my blogs too. Sure I have tons of people I consider friends and people I care about, but how well do I know them and how well do they know me? When was the last time I spent any time with these people? What is wrong with me? What is it I do that makes people want to run? Do I just try too hard? Or is it that I don't try hard enough and people just slip away?

It's been a long time since I've felt this alone. Like I'm a shadow moving through life. I'm not outgoing, I'm annoying. Who wants to hang out with someone who talks all the time and doesn't do anything interesting to begin with? Being so positive lately must be wearing on me and my negative side is slipping.

I'll be ok, eventually. Just as soon as I figure out what to do.

Speaking of him...

2011-09-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

SO... I guess it's time for the "new guy" post. Jesse and I met online, we "chose" each other on a dating website. We started talking and the next day we were meeting up for lunch.

It was the least awkward first meeting I think I've ever had. At the risk of being crazy it was kinda like this quote I found: "And then my soul saw you and it kind of went 'Oh there you are. I've been looking for you'" but it was more of a "hey, there's something about you..." For the longest time I've found myself so nervous on first dates. Especially when it comes to the actual, "So you must be..." part. Literally racing heart, sweaty palms, whole bit! These things were missing when I met Jesse. I was so unbelievably relaxed that I felt like I was meeting a long-time friend for a bite.

Our lunch lead to a two hour conversation at the table. The conversation lead to a walk in the park and more conversation. The walk in the park lead us on a wild adventure where we dared the less traveled paths and stumbled upon private property and many cobwebs. After walking the entire park, we settled down on a stage type area overlooking a small pond with a few curious and hungry ducks to watch. This eventually lead to our first kiss. *I know, on a first date? But it was like a magnetic force pulling us together* Kissing Jesse is like being set on fire!

We decided that we still weren't done spending time together. It seemed a movie was in order. We took my car back to my place and hung out and talked until it was time to go to the movie.

This first date, "lets meet for lunch" lasted 11 hours. :-D

It's been just under three weeks and I spent 10 days of that out of town so I don't know where this is going, yet. I know that I like him. I like the way I feel when I'm with him and I like the way he makes me feel. So for now, I'm waiting...

Waiting

2011-09-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

This is where I am. I'm in this despicable place waiting for something to happen.

I'm just waiting.

Waiting for the right connection to get me an actual interview in the field I spend 7 years working towards.

Waiting for an interview to lead to an actual teaching job.

Waiting for MY classroom.

Waiting for a place to belong.

Waiting for a space of my own.

Waiting to know if this is it.

Waiting for the sub jobs to come.

Waiting for fall.

Waiting for Halloween.

Waiting for a text to make me smile.

Waiting for the next time I'll feel butterflies.

Waiting to know if he's all in.

Waiting to know if the biggest mistake of my life is finally laid to rest.

Waiting to know if I'm headed in the right direction.

Waiting to know if tomorrow will be better than today.

Waiting to know if I can really stand behind my decisions.

Waiting to know if the decision is the right one.

You see I'm waiting, but it's ok because there are also the things that I know and the things I know help me to deal with the things I'm waiting on.

I know that MY classroom is out there somewhere.

I know that I do belong somewhere.

I know that with a little more hard work and sacrifice I'll have my space.

I know that the sub jobs will come, and I love subbing.

I know that fall is just around the corner.

I know that Halloween is only 37 days away.

I know that the text will come, eventually.

I know that the next time I see him, there will be butterflies.

I know that he's in and that's something.

I know that for all the stress in my life that I'm happy, healthy, safe and loved and for now that's enough. It's enough to balance out a lot of those things I'm waiting on.

I'm ready!

2011-09-03T01:36:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I'm ready for I don't know where to begin.

I'm ready to take life by the reins.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to do this... but I've got some ideas... just gotta get them going.

I'm ready for love.

Not sure that there's much I can do here... work on not being timid maybe...

I'm ready for Grad School.

This is one that I don't have to work on, unless you count actually being there. It's one ball in full motion!

I'm ready for a place of my own.

This is another one that I don't have control over. Best bet, work on building up that savings account!

I'm ready for motivation.

Not that I ever expect to look like this, but I know that I have to dig down deep or I'm going to spiral out of control.

More than anything, I'm ready for

More life! More love! More happiness!

A Dream and A Hug

2011-06-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream. (Not surprising if you know me) In this dream there were lots of things going on, it was a busy dream. Of all the things that were going on I only have a vague idea of what was happening. I was meeting someone in this place. I was nervous to see them, it'd been a while and I really liked them. I was bombarded by dogs as I entered. There was a demonstration with knives, simply cutting meat. Then instead of meat, it was a human, and a human skull being hacked. All these things were going on, but they aren't what stood out. They're still not something that stands out. What really stood out was a hug.

This simple embrace between the two of us. It felt like love and coming home. Like peace and happiness. I can still feel this lingering effect of that hug, even though it was only in a dream. It feels like a reminder of what's to come. I know who I saw in my dream... and maybe that's the person I'm supposed to be hugging like that in the real world. I don't know yet, but I sure wouldn't mind finding out! And if it's the person I saw, well I don't think I'd mind much if at all. ;)

Always Growing 11/28/2010

2011-06-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

I've watched this boy grow for the past 14 years and it amazes me every day to see how he's changed. I got the honor of helping him get ready for his first high school dance. I also got to wait in the car to have an opportunity to talk to the principal to ensure that the student who had threatened him was being dealt with away from the dance. It was a great night only made better by him telling me that I was more like his mom than his mother was. It made me smile

Changing Every Second

2011-05-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this really doesn't come as much of a surprise, but I feel like I'm going insane. Maybe I'm like one of these 250,000 bouncing balls racing downhill. I feel like my mind and heart are racing right along with them, though crash is inevitable. I wish I could find some kind of balance between the extremes. Why, when I find something, or when something finds me do I have to go all in? Why can't I hold back and move slowly?

Since I tend to do this over and over again, maybe I'm more like this coaster, going through the loops. UP and DOWN. I climb up, only to fall back down.

Or maybe it's like this one, going through all the twists, turns, loops and falls just to start back at the beginning.

I need answers. I need to know what's going on. I need to know what I'm supposed to do. I KNOW that I was pointed in this direction at this specific time by HIS hand, I just pray it was more than just a distraction. It's getting harder and harder to keep from feeling hopeless. It's like how many times can you tease a dog before it'll finally just snaps?

Where are you summer?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you stayed away?
Where is the laughter you usually bring me?
Why can't I go outside to play?

:)

2011-05-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

This is totally how I feel right now. It's A-Mazing how a simple "I wanted to say that I miss you" can make your whole day. It was a very nice surprise and seriously had me smiling the whole rest of the day. Especially when added to the other messages received. So I guess all I have to say is: :-)

F-

2011-04-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

I have to ask this question: Who failed? What is it that leads us to this point? I mean we know some of the people who failed. His mother failed. I mean she failed the most. At least his dad didn't pick and choose which kids to live with him. At least his father didn't tell him he didn't want him. That's not to say that he's done much better. Ok so who's left? Did his foster mom fail him by letting him go in the first place? Or is it the grandfather who wanted him with family? Wanted him to know that he was loved. Is it the aunt who could never do enough? Or is it really the system? The system who pulled him out, put him in a home where he was abused, pulled him out put him in a group home, pulled him out, put him back with his mom. I know that every system has flaws, but seriously? I don't see the state going after his parents for child support.

AHHHH I could go on and on, but what good would it do? He's reached the age of 15 and just doesn't care. Well at least that's what he says. I believe that he cares, I know that he does. He just doesn't know how to show it. I think that something serious needs to happen with this child or he's going to completely slip through the cracks. He shows all this promise. Like he wants to improve, but his follow through is seriously lacking.

I want the world for this boy and I just can't figure out how to get it for him. Then again, maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe it's that he needs to learn that he can't be given the world, he's got to earn it.

Star Struck!

2011-04-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

After years and years of sketching. After multiple location changes. I finally made a decision. It started with my brother finally covering up his fifteen year old mistake. I love my brother dearly, but it killed me to see that "mistake" on his hand every time I saw him. I knew that my brother was more than that mistake, but I couldn't help but think that it was how he was judged. This particular day my brother said lets go now. So I said sure. We went to one place and boy did it leave a bad taste in my mouth. The artist even told my brother he couldn't do what he wanted because "everyone does it." This lead my brother to ask me if I knew of any place to go. I instantly thought of the one place I'd always thought I'd go.

My brother was tattooed by an amazing artist, who happened to have covered up the same "mistake" that my brother was covering. Now they almost have matching tattoos, stars on their hands. I sat through my brother's tattoo with no problems. It was actually really cool to watch. My brother also chose this time to tell the artist that I was a chicken and kept putting off getting my own. I decided that I would make an appointment for the future, locking myself into getting it, but not so much so that I couldn't still back out. The artist was sitting there and looked at me and said, "I'm free now. Why don't you just get it done?" I didn't hesitate when I said, "Let's do it." He asked me what I wanted, I simply said three stars, one bigger than the other two and some filigree.

This is what he came back with. I was shocked. It was like he reached in to my artistic side and pulled what I wanted right out of my head. I love EVERYTHING about it. Especially the usage of the number 3. There are three larger stars, three hooks to the filigree, 9 small stars each with three dots.

So I guess this brings me to what most people don't know, have never known. The true meaning behind this piece of work. I started out wanting just one star, then slowly transformed to three stars. One very large and two smaller ones, this version was supposed to be on my shoulder. Then something stuck me. If I was going to put something on myself permanently there had to be real meaning to it. So I abandoned it for a while. One day I realized that it did have meaning. So here it is. The red star, the larger of the three represents me. The two larger black ones represent my friends and my family. The filigree, extra stars, and dots represent everything else in life. From the day I got my ink forward it will serve to remind me that I have to come first. I know that this will morph as time goes on, but for now this is what it means. It also represents that my family and friends need to come before the other stuff.

So often in life I put things ahead of myself. I don't value my own self worth, or my abilities and intelligence. I sacrifice for others when I don't have the means to do so. The day I got this done I made a promise to myself. No more. No more letting others make me feel guilty for saying I can't, or I'm busy. No more letting others walk over the top of me and no more questioning my value. I don't know that I'm doing this justice, that I'm saying it the way I mean it, but it's a start.

Anticipation

2011-03-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

Anticipation, does it really exist anymore? I mean, we live in this instant gradification society and it's truly diminished the value of anticipation. I love anticipation, I even love the word "ANTICIPATION!" I'm in a situation where the anticipation is killing me, and I LOVE it! With so many things today there's no waiting, no guessing, no chance, but that doesn't apply to dating. Dating still has it all. Yes we're meeting potentials in vastly different ways then they used to, but are we really? The "traditional" ways are still there. Grocery store, bar, park, bowling alley, blind dates, arranged marriages. These things still exist. We've just added some supplimental ways to meet people. The biggest way being the internet and daiting websites. I've tried the online daiting thing more than once and more than once I'd say it worked out. Obviously not in the long run, but I'm not ready to count it out.

I've met this guy... well maybe met is the wrong term. I've been texting with this guy... lol We've been texting non-stop since Thursday evening. Just before he headed out of town... This is where the anticipation comes in, waiting for him to return to Oregon so we can acutally meet face to face. Mmm... a n t i c i p a t i o n ! ! !

I though I'd add that once again this anticipation didn't live up. Though it was fun for the few days that it lasted.

Don't Rush

2011-03-01T20:51:00.000-08:00

Don't weep over my body,

For I'm no longer there.

I have gone to meet my Papa,

He's waited so very long.

Don't cry over my grave,

For I have never seen it.

Instead I'll be waiting for you,

In all our favorite places.

Don't rush through life to get here,

You'll join me soon enough.

Just live your life every day,

Do more than bide your time.

Don't miss a single sunset,

or run from any storm.

I'll miss your more every day &

It's ok for you to do the same.

But remember life's too short,

We die too young.

We must live life to the fullest,

The best is yet to come.

P.S. There's no author listed because it's me.

Ugh... Do I have to?

2011-02-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

When my dad first told me that he got me Tinkerbell figurines I was a little confused. I thought, seriously dad? I'm an adult, what in the world am I going to do with them. I can no longer tell you which was the first of my 8 figurines, but I can tell you that I absolutely love them. They're all very sassy and each one makes me laugh, because it features a phrase that I've likely been heard saying. From "It's not fair!" to "I'm not listening!" It originally a 3 piece set and was supposed to stop there, but they just kept coming. Not that I'm complaning. Friday dad told me that a new one had arrived. I excitedly asked where it was. He, of course, left it at home. :(

While I was at his house today I asked where it was. He got it out for me and opened the package. When I took it out and read what it's phrase was I couldn't help but laugh. Dad asked me what it said to which I replied, "Ugh... Do I have to?" He said that yes, I did have to tell him... so again I said, "Ugh... Do I have to?" At this point all he said was my full name. Brett and I could only laugh. It took like four times for my dad to get it.

:) I love my Tinkerbells!

Another year gone by...

2011-02-23T21:42:00.000-08:00

I'm finding things quite ironic right now. Here I am listening to the same song, "Fireflies" just before my birthday just as I was last year. I know this because I thought I'd go back and look at what I had to say before my last birthday. The answer to that is nothing. I never posted about my birthday. As my 26th year of life fades into the past I'm reminded of a time when I was little and how I just knew exactly where I'd be by now. Of course you realize that I'm no where near there and while this saddens me, it doesn't leave me despondent as I had expected. At 26 I was supposed to have a husband and babies, instead I have a few close friends and a budding career. I know that I'm part of the procrastination generation, but living is not something that I want to put off. I was thinking that for my birthday I'd write something truly great about my goals for the year. So here I was thinking I'd write this great thing and I can't seem to come up with what it is I should set as my goal.

Yesterday, I got up early and headed downtown to give a deposition in the industrial district just north of the Pearl District. Of course, even with all my planning the connections didn't work and I ended up having to walk about a mile from Chinatown instead of just a few steps. While this did make me late, I didn't let it get me down. I mean who doesn't want to walk a mile in the cold first thing in the morning? I was done with my deposition quickly and headed back out to the cold. This time I was ready for it and excited to be able to not have any responsibilities for the rest of the day. I slowly started making my way back downtown, even though I knew where I could catch the streetcar. I stopped and watched the horses at the MPU (Beautiful horses and cute guys in uniform), I wandered through a very interesting city park, strolled down the boardwalk and wound my way back downtown. I didn't have a destination in mind, and even spent part of the time talking on the phone. I just walked and took in my surroundings. I decided that I really could live and be happy in the city. It's the suburbs that kill me. There's no life here. Empty streets and lonely houses. I mean there's actually a house that we call the lonely house. It's this little old couple that live there and they park in their garage. They must only use the back half of their house because there are NEVER any lights in the front. They never have company either. I only know that it's a little old couple because I caught them pulling into their driveway and straight into the garage one day while waiting for the light to change. I just don't want that to become me. I remember a time when I had so much drive and I was so brave at trying new things. Now I'm terrified to do anything alone.

After I got home yesterday Gramma and I went to dinner at Ramono's, while our waiter couldn't write upside down very well he was a great server and very interesting to talk to. He seemed about my age, prolly a couple years older and he's been all over. He sings opera and speaks Italian. He was pretty cute too! He's currently saving up money for a new visa to go back to Europe. He does this all alone. I admire his courage.

This is prolly my longest post to date and I don't feel as if I've done what I set out to do. I don't know what this 27th year will bring me, but I have hope that there will be happiness, love and laughter. And just like last year, I'm still waiting for my prince.

Big Sky

2011-02-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

I found myself face to face with a inspiring sky tonight. Of course this happens when I am essentially without camera. I had my phone, but the picture wasn't right. While faced with this glorious sky I realized that I want less of what I do have and more of what I don't have. I want less electronics, clutter, drama, stress, strife, and doubt in my life. I want more space, love, inspiration, belief, space, and did I mention space? By this I don't mean that I want more physical space to live in, but space in a general sense of the word. I feel like I've spent my whole life in the wrong place. I was made for wide open spaces and freedom.

I look at nights like tonight and I wonder how people can doubt God. How with a sky painted so beautifully can we just say it's just the weather. How can you not bask in His glory? This picture does not do justice to what I actually saw, even if my view was marred by power lines, buses and traffic.

Lost Generation

2011-01-17T15:10:00.000-08:00

While exploring today I stumbled, or should I say clicked across a blog which had a poem that caught my eye. I'll post it, but I'd also like to point out that said blog had Cha! Cha! in it's name. Of course those of you who know me know that this is quite funny. I'd like to say that while this part I'm typing is short, the time it's taking to get it out is not. I fear that laying in bed for the last three days has hindered not only my typing abilities, but also any spelling abilities I had at one time.

Read this poem line by line taking time to think about what it says.

Lost Generation

I realize this may be a shock but

'Happiness comes from within'

is a lie, and

'Money will make me happy'

So in thirty years I will tell my children

they are not the most important thing in my life.

My employer will know that

I have my priorities straight because

work

is more important than

family

I tell you this

Once upon a time

Families stayed together

but this will not be true in my era

this is a quick fix society

Experts tell me

Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce

I do not concede that

I will live in a country of my own making

In the future

Environmental destruction will be the norm

No longer can it be said that

My peers and I care about this earth

It will be evident that

My generation is apathetic and lethargic

It is foolish to presume that

There is hope.

And all of this will come true unless we choose to reverse it.

Now start at the bottom and read it in reverse starting with the line ending in hope.

It's amazing how just changing the order of words can ultimately change our way of thinking.

Hum-drum

2010-12-30T23:06:00.000-08:00

Here's to the new year. Oh wait, I'm not excited for the new year. Not one iota. I mean seriously do we need another excuse to stuff our faces and drink a crazy amount of empty calories? Why on earth do we have a new year in the middle of a season any way? Here's the things I have to look forward to this year...

Telling my nephew that the last piece to finish his birthday present might arrive sometime in February when his birthday is the 31st of December and I started working on it in November. Stupid fabric manufacturer!

Scrounging for subbing jobs.

Renewing my drivers licence for which I have to once again prove that I'm a legal citizen. I mean really? I already have a licence. And I have to take a new picture.

Having more tests done just so some lab monkey can change their mind on what the results are yet again.

Dealing with the fact that I am yet again facing another year where I don't have a full time job and I still live at home. (Even though I love my Gramma, I'd really like a place to call my own.)

Ok so now that I've got all the negative off my shoulders I can think about the positives.

I have a job in my field of chosen profession, even if it's not the ideal one my degree is being used as it was designed.

I have a roof over my head and am not expected to pay rent or any bills (Though I feel I should do more than I do).

I have found what seems to be a wonderful church and am working on strengthening my spirit.

I have found this crazy desire to move. Like right now, I'd love to go for a run. (If you really knew me you'd understand how crazy that sounds).

I have a job that pays decently and will likely get out from under stupid debt soon.

I feel like even though I don't feel like I have all that much going for me right now that I can choose how I see my life this next year. I am choosing to try to look at the positives and just deal with the negatives. Here's to a great year!

Unnecessary Panic

2010-11-16T13:43:00.000-08:00

I seriously feel like I might drop from a heart attack. My headache which I just got rid of is now raging out of control. Laptops... I think I just might hate them. Maybe it's students lack of brain power to put things where they belong. I don't know if you've ever used a laptop cart before, but they're pretty basic. I've used them at lots of schools. There are several slots one for each computer with a charger in the slot as well. The spots are number along with the individual computers. It's really easy, when you're done you just slide the laptop into the spot you got it out of and plug the cord in. There's no remembering where you got it from and no question as to where it goes. Could my class handle this? No they couldn't. They double stacked two computers causing me to have heart failure when I looked at the cart and saw that there were two spots that were empty. I seriously freaked out. Knowing that I wasn't really supposed to be using the laptop cart to begin with and now I've lost two of them. I immediately took note of which one the one student left in my room had, asked her to stay put while I went next door and asked the teacher to call security. THEY SENT ME FOUR PEOPLE!!! FOUR!!! After the second one arrived we opened the cart back up and I started going through each spot. This is when I discovered that the two that were missing we in spots that already had computers! I couldn't believe it. I reacted without thinking. I panicked.

I guess the upside to this is that there were no computers missing, but I didn't discover this until I'd already made a fool of myself. Now I'm sitting here in my last class and all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep.

P.S. The Haitian girls in my class are my favorite! They're SO smart and actually respond about what they're thinking when they ask for help!

Blast from the Past

2010-11-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

Today I taught at Westview, home of the Wildcats and my Alma mater. Being back at Westview is odd enough. Add to it the railings which have finally been relieved of the Sunset purple paint and dressed in navy, red & grey or the sixteen new classrooms, which in no way match the rest of the school’s interior. Standing in for someone whom I’ve always looked up to is altogether different.

Today I started like any other day. I got up, showered, dressed, packed my lunch and left the house. I drove to work and greeted the secretary, this time someone I’ve known since I was 14. I went to CJ’s office, got my plans for the day and headed to my classroom. After getting all settled and ready for periods 1 & 3 I looked around the table I was sitting at and spotted the Westview Prowl. The Prowl is the school’s newspaper and I’m sure it went by another name in another time. I picked up a copy and started reading. I read about 50 student math classes and 19 student AP Art classes. About a lack luster weight room, the end of a coaching dynasty and how sagging pants are the most irritating fashion at Westview. I also read about CJ’s adventure with “The Three Musketeers” and new theatre design teacher. Sadly I got to read about the Sunset Vandal who defaced Westview property heading into their spirit week. I then turned the page and once more and was hurled back in time four years. The school paper had decided to run a spread about how the war has cast a shadow over Westview. They focused on various students past and present who had dedicated themselves to their country. One of the articles was about the start of it all and included a review of the story about Marcus Nettles. As I was reading this I was taken right back to the day that they reported him duty station whereabouts unknown. Flash forward and I’m at the state fair where there’s a display up and Papa’s helping me to find Marcus’ name on the wall. Just knowing that if anyone really understood what I was feeling it was him. Flash forward and I’m sitting at a table reading a newspaper article about a guy who today’s students see as just a soldier. Not the amazingly nice guy who never judged a person by what crowd they fit in with. Not a brother, son and husband.

The rest of my day continued, nothing but one memory after another. Especially once I got started with Acting I, formally known as Intro to Theatre. The students were working on performing their monologues. I could instantly picture myself sitting on that very stage reciting my monologue from my freshman year. It was about a girl who had had enough of her family and decided that she’s going to hide out in the attic. This seems to go on forever as she rants about how horrible she has it until finally she gets hungry and has to go down to the kitchen for food. Yes that was from my freshman year of high school and I still remember the gist of what it was about.

The kicker to this blog entry? I wrote 90% of it by hand while I was working, and typed it on my laptop while the rest of my family slept so that I could post it the next day!

Thinking Positively

2010-09-17T15:48:00.001-07:00

I got this from Em, who got it from someone else, who in all likely hood got it from someone else. I liked it so I'm doing it. :)

Today...
I love the smell of
freshly cut pickles.

I love the sound of
lockers closing at the end of the day.

I love the sight of
kids being kids.

I love the taste of
an ice cold Pepsi

I love the feel of
jeans on Fridays!

I have so many things to be thankful for this week. I've been blessed to have worked three of the five days this week and gotten 4 days worth of calls. (Being in Idaho for the first call) I've already picked up two days for the coming weeks. I had a great day at Meadow Park MS and I got here 30 minutes early for the day. I also didn't have any behavior problems that weren't easily handled with a stern word or serious look. BUT I did just realize that I forgot to pass out the handouts for the weekend... dang. Oh, well... I'll blame the assembly!

Coincidence, I don't think so...

2010-09-06T13:41:00.001-07:00

It's interesting the things that we're guided to do. For Em it's was a trip to the beach, for me it was finally ripping open the plastic surrounding my new bible. My new bible wasn't bought by me, or even directly for me, but I was presented with an opportunity to receive it. I was drawn to my bible.

The bible I've been using was bought for me back in 1998 when I started going to church with a friend. It was bought so that I could fit the picture of what a certain person felt I should look like if I was going to church on a regular basis. I'm pretty sure I helped pick it out, as well as the cover for it, though it wasn't bought for what I feel is the right reason. It's a teen study bible and when I got it I was just that, a teen. Now I'm 26 and it's still the one I use for reference much more often than the one my gramma has sitting out.

I should start by saying that this all goes back to camp. I never had the words to blog about camp. I think it's because I fear that I got far more out of it than I gave to the kids. For quite a while that has left a darkness within me that I couldn't explain. The whole time I was at camp I felt like the kid. I'd sit in chapel and listen to the stories for the very first time, thinking that's really in my bible?! Even worse, I'd sit in the counselor meetings while just the kids were in chapel and think, wait I'm missing pieces here... I can't keep up if I'm not in there. I wouldn't just stand there and sing the songs, I felt them move through me, felt Him move through me. For the first time in a long time I was learning what it was like to have a relationship with God and not be questioned about it. I know that while I was going through all of this that I was also giving to my kids, but if I would have had the faith that I do now, could I have been a better counselor?

Ok, back to the bible. I was sitting in chapel one day next to my little one, who was busy coloring, I had her new bible and I was following along and looking to see what extra stuff it had. I got to the back and found all kinds of questions and devotions. Then something caught my eye. It was a plan for reading the bible. It takes the highlights of each book. Seeing it got me kind of excited. I thought that it was exactly what I needed to actually make it through the bible. Before I'd always started at page 1 and trudged my way through the bible page by page. I don't think I ever made it out of Genesis. I figured that once I had money to spend again I'd make the trip to get a new bible and figure out a plan. God, it seems had a better idea and one that was sure to get me going faster.

The end of the next week I got the call from Kathy about doing week two. That Sunday as I sat and listened to Shirley talk about various things she brought up that there were a few extra bibles from the ones they had purchased for the kids. I sat there and at first thought, no I can't take one. I have a bible and I don't want to take anything that's not mine. Obviously God had a different idea. When it came time to go over and get our supplies I was looking for a shirt in my size when someone asked if I wanted one of the bibles that they were pulling out of the box. It struck me at that moment that I was supposed to have that bible and that I no longer had an excuse for putting off reading my bible.

Now it's been almost a month that I've been staring at my new bible all snug in it's plastic wrap, but last night I just felt moved to pick up the scissors and open it. I sat on my bed and flipped through until I found the plan for reading it. I found where I was supposed to start reading and the most amazing thing happened. I completely lost track of time! Flipping back and forth from the text to the plan, taking time to stop and think about the questions that accompany each section and then moving on. Ok, so I'm still stuck in Genesis, but I think that this time I'll actually get through it and move on. I can't wait to find out what I'll learn!

They never stop.

2010-08-28T14:18:00.001-07:00

I have so many thoughts swirling around my head that I can't think straight. I'm so excited for the coming school year. I have so many plans that I don't even know if I know how start thinking about it all. So I've decided that I'm going to make a list instead, a list of all the things that I want to do with my life this year.

Pay off my credit card

Find a place of my own

Visit a new country

Read my bible

Make verbal contact with my besties weekly

Be 100% SELF responsible

Make written contact with my distant friends weekly

Have a monthly girls/guys night out

Find a church I can call home

Do something with the pictures I have saved

Remind those in my life that I love them

Find Mr. Right, not just Mr. Right Now

Prove to my nephew that he's loved, and valued and worth the world

Remind myself daily that I too, deserve the world

Read at least one book each month, no matter how busy I am (hey I had to add an easy one)

I'm sure this isn't every thing for my list, but it's a start at least. I know that I can make most of these things happen and for the ones that I can't, I'll leave them in God's hands. I know that he has a plan for me and for the first time since I can remember I believe that I'm on that path.

There's No Charge For Love

2010-06-11T14:52:00.000-07:00

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy..

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer....

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.. "Here, Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would..."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love.."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

I saw this and it just made me smile, I know I haven't been too good about posting as of late, but maybe I'll get better about remembering.

What is your answer?

2010-04-15T17:03:00.001-07:00

I saw this posted in a school I subbed at and it was a nice reminder of why I do what I do.

What is your answer when an idiot asks how much do you make?
What Do Teachers Make?

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'
He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?'
To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?'
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want to know what I make?
(She paused for a second, then began...)
· 'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
· I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.
· I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make?' (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
· ''I make kids wonder.
· I make them question.
· I make them apologize and mean it.
· I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
· I teach them to write and then I make them write.
· Keyboarding isn't everything.
· I make them read, read, read.
· I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.
· I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
· I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
· I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say thePledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America .
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.) 'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant... You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?' His jaw dropped, he went silent.

I Love Life!!!

2010-04-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

There's something to said for a night out with a great friend. One of these days I'm going to stop being amazed by the power of true friends. Em drove up yesterday after work and we hit our favorite place to eat, BWW before heading to a movie. We ate, laughed, talked, and played a couple games of cards. The healing powers of those simple actions are awesome! The Bounty Hunter was a hilarious movie! I'm glad we picked laugh over cry. :)

I would be lying of I said that I love everything about my life, but I can say that I love life in general. I'm happy, I'm taking care of myself and I'm moving forward with my life. I'm not sitting back and watching the world pass me by. I've jumped in the drivers seat and am leading the way. I knew that year 26 was going to bring great things. I've known this since I was a little girl and 26 was my favorite number. Yes I know many of you might be thinking, isn't your lucky number 23? Yes my lucky/favorite number is 23, but it hasn't always been. From the time I could remember I've had a thing for the number 6, I don't know what it is, but I just like it. I can remember being young and thinking that at 26 I would have a career, man, house, and family. Well, I only have one of those things, but think about all that's changed in my life since the 25th of February. I think that I've grown SO much. So I don't have a man, house or am I anywhere near starting a family. I'm ok with that. My life has just started and I've finally decided that I don't need someone else to help make me happy. Yes I've known that this was true for a while, but I hadn't been able to really believe it and feel it deep down. Now I do. I love me. I love my life. I am single and truly happy and cannot even wrap my brain around being even happier. I will not settle and I will have what I deserve out of life.

The biggest thing that I've started to notice is that music once again makes me smile. Yes, it also makes me cry like no other. Even happy songs used to make me cry. I'd sit and think yea right, no one is that happy. Now I sit and think that I am that happy, and I'm that happy all alone. It's like being at the bottom and being happy, the only place you can go is up and when you're already up how great is that? There is no one to tear me down. I have no man in my life to break my heart. I've surrounded myself with people who love me and who will never let me down.

Have I mentioned that I'm happy and that I love life?

Injured on the Job

2010-03-09T20:28:00.001-08:00

So many of you have listened me talk about my favorite little boy who knows just how to drive me crazy and break my heart at the same time. Yesterday was a true example of this. He started his day out asking "Ms. Cara" for a band aid for a cut on his finger. His meltdown didn't come until we were trying to leave the gym. He refused so I approached him to help him along when he struck out with the only thing he had, a beaded necklace he'd found on the ground.

This picture is the result. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I don't think I've ever had someone physically hurt me like this before. It took all of my control to maintain my composure as I scooped him up and carried him back to the classroom.

Believe it or not, but he sat exactly where I set him until he was asked by another teacher to move and came back in to sit in a chair until I was ready to talk with him.

The topper, today he was meltdown free.

Happy Feelings

2010-02-16T22:34:00.000-08:00

So for no obvious reason I'm happy. Not the normal just regular happy, but the I simply cannot stop smiling happy. No, there's no guy involved and yes I know that's what you were thinking because it seems that one is usually involved with these kinds of highs. With everything that is going on in my life right now, all of the difficulties and blessings, they just don't seem to matter in the long run. I know that right now I'm not thrilled with my living situation, I miss the freedom of being able to put off cleaning a mess up when I simply don't feel like it. But I'm also thankful for the generosity of my gramma, I mean seriously who wants to take in a messy 25 year old who is grouchy until she's showered. I also know that I feel like I'm failing because I don't have, what I consider, an acceptable job. Yes, I'm working with kids and it's great, but this isn't what I worked my ass of for. I don't make enough to get myself out of debt, or to even think about changing ANYTHING in my life. This means that I can't allow myself to slack off when it comes to the jobs department. SO back to edZapp I go, only now I have to weigh each job I apply to. Will this one get me more money, enough hours, or is it in just the right place to make it worth it? Is a temporary position making a few dollars more an hour for less hours a week worth it to give up my current position which while paying less isn't going to vanish in the next few months?

Aside from ALL of this I'm still happy. I'm sitting here listening to "Fireflies" and beaming. Today I was sitting in the classroom with my 8 kiddos, painting masks and listening to Disney music and "Can I Have This Dance" came on and my aide Sam said something about it and I said how much I loved it and then we were talking about weddings and such. It just made me think about all that I want out of life. I made the comment that I wanted to be waltz at my wedding and one of my students asked if I was married and I said no, and his reply was, "Aren't girls supposed to have boyfriends?" The way he said it was just cute, it was like he just thought life was so simple. Then he asked if I wanted to get married and I said, "Yeah, of course, someday." His reply was you'll get married and have kids. I wished things were that simple. I remember having a plan for life when I was young, of course it changed constantly but still. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's ok that I'm still single and that someday my prince will come. I know he's out there somewhere, I've just got to be patient and wait for the right time to meet him.

In case you didn't get it through all of my ramblings and ponderings I'm happy. My life's not perfect, not at all where I thought it would be at this point, but I'm happy. I have assets, maybe not all 40 of them, maybe not even 30 of them, but I have them and I know that I can be an asset to others, but to do that I have to be happy with myself, and I am!

The defeat of confidence

2010-01-31T11:30:00.000-08:00

I got what was likely the biggest compliment ever yesterday. I've spent the time just trying to wrap my brain around it since it was said. Let me back up a little first... Last Saturday I got a text from a friend from the program asking if I wanted to go to dinner with the crew for some teacher talk. I had to decline due to being busy at the time they were going. Not a big deal, I just had already made a commitment. I went to my meeting Sunday night and didn't give dinner with the crew another thought, thinking that I'd catch up with them the next time. Yesterday I got up and drove to Salem for the Salem-Keizer educator's fair. I ran into a couple of the girls from the crew, but it wasn't until after I was done with my interview that Bre and I ran into Sarah. We were talking and she brought up the dinner from the previous Sunday and said that they had all made speculations as to why I was MIA. She told me that they'd decided I was at some district meeting where a bunch of administrators were fighting over getting me in their buildings. And they decided that I already had a job! I was just too good to not have a solid position yet within a school. When she told me this I was honestly speechless. I had no idea how to respond. I realized after thinking about what she said as well as some things that others have said that I defeat myself with my own confidence.

It seems that not only my closest friends, but also those who I bonded with while in the program have far more confidence in my abilities as a teacher than even I do. I've always felt like a confident person, but this realization made me think about how timid I am when it comes to my abilities. So I sit here today and proclaim that I am a great teacher! I deserve a job, and one that is actually in the field I've worked my butt off to be in. No, this doesn't mean that I wont keep applying for jobs outside of teaching. I'm not stupid I need a job like yesterday. I'm done doubting my own skills. I guess I thought that upon graduation I would just feel like a different person and that really hasn't happened. I still feel like me, a less stressed version of my self, but still me and I'm happy to be me!

I'm sorry...

2009-12-10T20:52:00.000-08:00

I know that instead of blogging I should actually be making phone calls, but I'm a pansy. I've been a real grouch this week and for it I'm sorry. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. Until my brief chat with my brother I didn't even know what it was that was affecting me. I thought that it had something to do with graduation, but I really couldn't pinpoint it, nor did I want to try. Two days from now I'll be a college graduate, I'll be walking across the stage and recieveing a rolled up piece of paper until my degree acutally comes. Eight days from now it will be three years since Papa died. I'm angry. I'm angry and I don't have anyone to be angry at. Graduation is the first milestone I have to face without him. All I want is to be able to hear his voice and I know I'll never hear it again. Since high school I've dreamt of hearing him cheer me on at my college graduation and I'll never hear it. Sure I can here what he's say, but I can't hear him. It's not fair, and I'm mad. I've been trying so hard not to take my feelings out on other people this week, especially since I didn't even know what was causing them, but I don't think that I've been very successful. I have a lot of wonderful people who are proud of me and love and support me and I am very very thankful for all of them. As great as they are, they can't fill the void that's left behind by his absence. I just pray that I can remain strong enough and can feel his presence with me on Saturday. I know he'll be there, watching and cheering me on, I just hope that I can feel it without other people trying to tell me that he's there.

The Closing of a Chapter

2009-11-17T19:27:00.001-08:00

Graduation is just days away. It seems unreal that in mere days I'll be done with my degree and walking across a stage yet again. It seems like just yesterday that I was in the tunnel with my friends waiting for the march to begin. Like just yesterday when my parents and grandparents dropped me off at my dorm and said goodbye. It's amazing to think it's actually been 5 years. I can still picture standing in front of the WUC watching them pull away. Freshman year brought about new friends, as well as new enemies. New crushes, new experiences, new food, and new travel. That summer brought new love, new heart break and a new resolve on life. Sophomore year brought about a new apartment, a best friend, and new leadership experiences with AFROTC. It also brought me a new lease on life, one that showed me that you can't escape your passion. Junior year was like a fresh start with a new major and shortly after a new roommate. Senior years flew by. Though at times it's still unreal that Papa's not here. Now after all this time it's about to be over. I'm really going to finish, it's like I can see the finish line and instead of having a burst of energy to finish I'm walking, quite slowly, not sure that I want it to end just yet. I'm ready though, For the first time I'm not bogged down by deadlines and due dates. I'm ready to turn my work sample in and be done with it. Ok so no I haven't actually finished my work sample, but I'm so close that I don't want to do it anymore. I just need that one last burst of energy to finish everything. It's coming... maybe tonight after I eat my chicken... oops!!! MY CHICKEN IS STILL IN THE OVEN!!! Ok so my chicken's fine, still not quite done but that's ok! Guess I should go keep an eye on it though :)

Ciao

Musical Escape....

2009-10-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at my desk with my playlist going... in the same place I've been sitting for the last hour and a half. I'm up almost two hours past my bedtime, but I just can't seem to make myself press stop on my music. It's got me hooked. Sometimes when I'm listening to music, especially when I'm alone, I feel like I'm tuned into a different part of myself. It's like a much stronger version of how I feel when I'm at church. Strange I know.

Music truly is my escape from the world. Not always from bad things though. Music gives me my high. I apologize if that sounds wrong or inappropriate. Dancing used to be it for me, but as I've grown dancing has just become second nature. One of my students came up to me last week and asked why I was always twirling around. He even demonstrated what he'd been seeing. It kinda caught me off guard, I didn't realize that I'd been doing it. I looked at him and said, "I guess I must be happy, I dance when I'm happy." It's true. I do dance when I feel happy. My best school days are when I walk into the building with my iPod playing. It gets me fired up for the day. Music has been my escape since I can remember. I'm glad I have my music, even if I can't play an instrument, or sing well, music makes me happy.

Gone to forever chase his basketball...

2009-10-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

Saturday brought great sadness to my family. Our beloved Wyatt decided that it was his time to join Papa. Wyatt's importance to me is unknown to many people. For it to be understood I have to go aways back.

When I was in kindergarten my dad found a beautiful dog at a job site. We named her Measha and she was part Husky, part wolf. She was a wonderful dog, however she liked to run away. On Christmas Eve morning she gifted us four precious puppies, 3 resembling her and 1 resembling... well something else. That of course was the puppy I feel in love with. We named in Bear and he was an amazing pet. He was the only puppy we kept and after Measha ran away again he was the only pet we had. We moved to a new house and he became our protector. We lived there for two years. Then came the time to move again. This time we were moving into an apartment. This meant that Bear needed a new home. My only happy thought was that my aunt and uncle were going to take him. Then they too had to move. My entire childhood I was told that a new home was found for my Bear. It wasn't until I was much older that I found out that I was lied to. I vowed I'd never again want a dog.

Then my senior year of high school my dad and I moved. One day he brought home this dog. This dog who snapped at me, and meant I had to do all of this extra work. I had to feed him, and make sure he had water, and take him our and play with him and let him outside. Slowly Wyatt wiggled his way into my heart. When dad started spending more time at his girlfriend's hosue Wyatt and I stayed home. He became my best friend, and greated me every day when I got home from school. Sure he slept with dad, until dad left for work, then it was my bed he wanted.

I remember the first time he had a seizure since we had him. It was the scariest day of my life! I was sitting in the dinning room at the computer desk and he walked past me. He was always walking over my feet. This time, however he ran into the desk. I looked down and realized that he was shaking. I ran for the phone and called my dad, who didn't answer. My next call was to Papa. He told me I just needed to sit with him, and that if I was still scared I should get my neighbor to sit with me until my dad got home. We sat on the porch, and the second Wyatt heard dad walking up he just jumped up like there was nothing wrong.

I'm sad that he's gone, but I feel honored that he felt safe enough with me to be willing to go in my arms. I'll miss Wyatt, but I'm thankful for all of the wonderful memories I have of him. He'll always be a part of my family.

Quote of a Lifetime

2009-09-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, Be afraid that it will never begin!"

My brother sent me this quote some time ago and recently I rediscovered it while I was cleaning out my inbox. It's definitely a quote that makes you stop and think about the things in your life. I truly feel blessed to be surrounded by the people in my life. Not just the people in my family, and not just the people I see on a regular basis. It's the delicate balance of all of those people who have helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

I've been let down by the very person who was never supposed to let me down. I've had my heart broken more than once, and yes it was harder the second time. I'm sure I've even broken a heart or two, though never intentionally, and believe me when I say that I remembered what it felt like to have mine broken. To the point of thinking of sacrificing my own happiness to save theirs. I've fought with some of my best friends, though usually it flies under the radar. I'm sure I've blamed new for something old did, and I'm sure I'll do it again. I've spent quite a bit of time crying because time is passing too fast, and because I've lost someone I love.

Due to all of this, I will try to remember to take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like I've never been hurt. This if the final page of one chapter of my book, but there are many more chapters to follow. I look forward to turning the pages and seeing what the future will bring.

Jealousy

2009-09-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

I hate jealousy. I guess I should say that I hate being jealous. I can easily handle envy. I face envy on a daily basis. I'm envious of my best friend and her husband, I'm envious of my friends who have already graduated, and the ones who have jobs. I'm envious of the people around me who seem to handle things better than I do, but I don't handle jealousy well. To me it's like a toxin coursing through my veins. It starts small, then it grows. The worst part is that instead of feeling envious like I think I should, I'm mad at the situation. It seems like it's always someone or something else. Do I talk? No, not really... I get a how's school? It's starting to feel more like, "Oh that's right... you're still in college... aren't you ever going to finish?"

I guess this is something that I need to work on. I've always thought envy was ok... but now that I'm thinking about it... isn't envy one of the seven deadly sins?

Vegas!!!

2009-08-21T17:08:00.001-07:00

So I know that for many of you who read this you'll have either been with me, heard all about it from me, or well... my mom could have told you everything! I spent the 15-19th in sunny Las Vegas with three of my favorite people! I don't think that I've ever walked so much in my entire life! Day one I made the mistake of thinking we were just going to go get food before resting and wore really cute shoes! Those shoes resulted in the worst blisters I have ever seen in my entire life! Imagine walking with inflatable nickles on the bottoms of your heels for starters. Then add a blister growing up the outside of your foot. That gives you a picture. I tried blister blocker bandaids, popping the worst blister and wrapping my foot. I felt like I tried everything while still being able to walk... well if you really call that walking. :) Some would, others wouldn't. That was the only downfall to my entire trip! I can't say that it helped, but things could have been much worse.

The coolest thing we saw was in PH (Planet Hollywood) and that would be Bruce Willis. On the left is a quick shot with my phone of him... though you can barely see him, and on the right is me with his handprint outside PH. It was actually Jessica V. who spotted him first I believe. Which was funny because my mom had just told me earlier that she'd seen that he was supposed to be there at some point that weekend. So I can officially say now that I've seen a celebrity in public!!!

We saw lots of great things and even took in Bette Midler's show. It was absolutely hilarious until the last song. She closed her show with Wind Beneath My Wings and boy did I cry. We spent time by the pool. Danced the night away at Studio 54. Watched the lions lay about at MGM Grand. Got lured by the Sirens of TI (Treasure Island). Witnessed the fall of Atlantas in Ceasers Palace. Oogled over both our waiter and cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. Found the jewelery of my dreams!!! Swam with the fishes at Mandalay Bay. Fulfilled goals/dares at Fremont Street/Studio 54. Saw a guy who thought Oregon Girls Rocked and proudly wore a shirt saying so. We even went to the top of the Eiffel Tower at the Paris.

The greatest thing about our trip? We're all still friends! I think... though I haven't heard from anyone since we got back... Jess... Em... Jessica... we are still friends aren't we? ......... Just kidding!

Lost in Confusion

2009-06-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in so long I wouldn't know what my last post was without actually looking. That's very sad to me. I've become so "busy" that I've lost my most prized passion. Writing has taken a backseat to everything. This is hopefully the beginning of the end of my dry spell. I've had lots of things change and I have a very exciting summer coming up. I'll be spending the majority of my summer in Washington working at a Girl Scout camp as their leadership specialist. I'm truly looking forward to the fun and challenge of another summer at camp.
I don't have much to say... but I'm definitely feeling very lost right now. I'm so lost that I can't find my usual end of the term motivation to finish up the last minute things. I have like four really simple papers to turn out as well as corrections, as ridiculous as they may be, on my work sample. I feel completely disconnected from the world. I almost completely lost it at school today. We have a student who moved today. Literally her parents were just waiting for their kids to finish their day at school before pulling the Uhaul out of the driveway. We were watching a video and the table group this student sits at was sitting in one of the tents that were set up in the classroom. (Yes REAL tents were set up. We were on a two day camp out in the tropical rainforest.) Anyway at this table sits the girl who was moving and her best friend. I happened to look down and notice that they were clutched on to one another. Now this is normally breaking the "no touch" rule, but I simply didn't care. I can remember being back in 6th grade and having this same feeling. It's how Melanie and I pretty much spend our whole last day.
On a different note I heard a really funny story today.... At our school the last weeks of school the first and second grade classes participate in a reenactment of what it was like to live in the old days when students went to school in a one room school house. For this the students are completely surrounded in a new life at school. They're given new names, families and other things that I haven't yet learned. The important part here is that they're given new "old fashioned" names. In one of the classes there was a boy who's new to the U.S. He comes from a place where their native language is not English. (nor is it Spanish) One day while in class (I'm sure is was very shortly after they were given their names and called on a few times) this student raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks the following question: "Teacher, why you call me fat ass?" The teacher's reply was, "Thaddeus, Th, Th, Thaddeus, I'm calling you Thaddeus." In his home language they don't have the Th sound and the student was hearing something completely different. I personally felt bad for this student, but the incident was quite humorous. :)

The Ups, the Downs, very downs, and the Ups again.

2009-03-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

Well first off I'd like to start with the ups... At the end of last week I decided that I seriously needed to partake in some very important girl rituals. Namely getting my hair cut. The last time I'd gotten it cut I didn't really like it from day one. I'm used to this as my hairdresser usually just does whatever she wants (within reason), but the last time I never really grew into liking it. This time I took in a few pictures of how I'd previously had it cut and really liked it. She started cutting and asked if the length was right and I, being the spontaneous one said, "Na, just a little shorter." Now that it's too short to put in a pony tail I am frustrated at it, but I still love it!!! It may not seem like a very different look, but it sure feels like it. People were telling me that I looked more my age, only I was carded in the bar that very night, and all I ordered was a Coke.

Unfortunately with my ups, comes my down. As many of you know, back in October I was planning this wonderful surprise for my Gramma for her birthday in November. I wanted to take her to see Wicked that was coming in March, yet the tickets didn't go on sale until December. So for her birthday I made this awesome card formally inviting her to accompany me to the event. As soon as the tickets went on sale I sat down with her on the phone and started looking at dates and times and seats. It was a whirlwind of an adventure to get it all lined up. We had decided on the 28th of March as it was the last Saturday before Spring term started at school and I didn't know if I'd have any other plans for the break. I bought our tickets and only gave them a slight thought for the next three months.Tonight I sat down to print the tickets, as our date would be this Saturday. I logged into tickemaster.com and to my surprise it said that I had no upcoming events. I thought surely this was a mistake and that maybe I'd just clicked on the wrong button. I then went to my ticket history. There to my disbelief was the date for my tickets. March 21, 2009. Yes folks I said the 21st, last Saturday. Gramma and I have officially missed our show. Instead of getting ready for a wonderful afternoon of entertainment I spent last Saturday in the doctors office having tests done. Now I'm at the mercy of the powers that be at the Keller Auditorium. I called ticketmaster, just to check and make sure there was nothing that could be done and they told me that the Keller has the power to re-seat people in situation where the tickets have not been picked up or printed. I'll spend the rest of my evening praying for mercy, praying that whom ever I end up talking to tomorrow will be having a good day and be feeling like paying it forward.

Speaking of paying it forward... Lately my budget has gotten VERY tight, and while the things that are happening are for the best, it's still going to be very interesting getting everything paid. No more eating out, no more trips to walmart... though this is not a bad thing and since I didn't do much of it last term I have some money saved up. Anyway back to the paying it forward part. So even though I've found myself on a shorter money leash, I've also found myself to be more giving. There are many charities out there right now that are asking for donations. I haven't said no yet, nor have I just been donating the minimum $1. I've been donating to March of Dimes, to Animal Shelters and a few other charities. I feel better for it. If everyone just gave a little, it could easily be a lot.

So I urge you, get involved. Anyway you can. Time. Money. Or even just word of mouth. It's up to you, How will you pay it forward?

Turning another year older...

2009-03-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that just hours before officially turning 25 I would be up baking 25 individual star shaped cakes? I never did, but you know me once I get a random idea it's not likely that I'm going to do something simple. I like to say go big or go home! Well I did, it took a bit of work, but I managed to bake and frost all 25 cakes and only about 7 went to waste that I know of. I baked the cakes not only for my birthday, but also for the spring picnic we were having for the staff at school. Even if it was a few weeks left until the official start of spring.

My 25th birthday started out uniquely. My mom started by texting me at 9 the night before to inform me that it was at that time 25 years earlier that she was telling my dad to hurry up and finish bowling, because she was going into labor with me. My dad texted me first thing the morning of my birthday to wish me a happy day. My mom also texted me a very special poem of sorts.

I guess that this would be a good time to mention that I was not looking forward to turning 25. It was a really rough start to a day that I honestly just wished would wait a few more years to come. I had always thought that by 25 I would have done so much more in my lifetime than I have. I thought that I would be married, finished with school and have started my career and be gearing up to have children. It was hard to think about the fact that I was turning 25 without any of those things being a reality.

I started my day by going to school and only informing my students that the day was special and that I had a surprise for them at the end of the day. When it came time for me to be able to share what I had for them (juice and cookies) they had many other guesses of what the surprise was, that their teacher was leaving early for the day, that the PE teacher was going to come in and sit with them, they had no idea that it was my birthday. When they found out they sang and gleefully drank their juice and ate their cookies.

After school was over Emily met me at my school and we ran errands together before meeting Matt and Jess at Red Robin's. I also had a good friend Breanna, who was working at the time to help make the evening even more special. We got seated before other people on the waiting list thanks to Breanna who was more than happy to add our table to her already stuffed to the max section. We drank and ate and I opened some WONDERFUL gifts from both Emily (Thanks for my teacher stuff and my necklace!!!) and Jess (Thanks for my music, book and life support!!!). We also took some very crazy pictures and

Breanna even make me this awesome hat before she

(along with the rest of the restaurant) sang to me!

I loved the hat, even though it said "Wow you're old!" on it. I'm really thankful to my wonderful friends who helped make the day extra special!!!

I AM...

2009-01-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

I AM…I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL AND A GRWON WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING AND CARING AND THOUGHFUL AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, AND CARFUL AND CARELESS. DOUBT IS MY WORST ENEMY. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED, BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUtSIDE, WHILE I’M DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION, AND MORE IN TRUE LOVE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE.

I found a variation of this a while back but decided to finally tweak it to really fit me. I've been doing alot of reflecting lately and well I'm not sure what I've discovered... or maybe it's just that I'm not ready for everyone to know what I've discovered. I made a personal realization the other day that had a profound impact on my life. I just pray that I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. It's the doubt that's my worst enemy.

I just went through all of my quotes, of which I have 9+ pages worth. They really made me start thinking about things. This is one of the things I found among many others. It made me smile. I've found I'm finding things that I never thought I'd find. :)

Ever Growing...

2009-01-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

So I got to spend this past Thanksgiving taking a trip with my nephew Brett to Kennewick, WA to spend some time I with my mom. It's amazing to think that this boy is growing up so fast. I remember back when he was still a baby. I remember just days after they brought him home from the hospital and he fell off of the bed.

I remember him wandering around Gramma & Papa's yard following after with gardening tools in his little purple jumpsuit. I remember laying with him in his "big boy" bed to get him to sleep at night. I remember packing him around with me when I wanted to hang out with friends. I remember going with his first grade class to the pumpkin patch.

Now he's 13 and inches taller than me. Sometimes I wish he could just realize 1/10 of his potential. He's been so beaten down over the years I just can't imagine how he'll overcome it. I believe that his maturity level is so far behind that of his peers that he'll have a horrible time trying to catch up by the time he reaches high school. It seems like that everytime he appears to be on top of things that something goes horribly wrong and a good chunk of the time it's him that causes the problem, through lying or doing something that he knows good and well that he's not supposed to be doing.

New Traditions

2008-12-18T12:24:00.001-08:00

With all that's happened in the last year there was never a doubt that we'd be pulling double duty at the cemetery this year. Dad and I picked up the two extra trees when we went into Newburg. He got both of them put up in the horrible weather and even got the decorations and lights on Brandon's. Yes, lights. Every year my dad goes up and puts the three up and brings along one small strand of lights and a heavy duty extension cord. He plugs it in to the box on the pole right at the bottom of the hill. We're not the only family who does this either. There's always at least one other, sometimes two that plug in lights for a loved one. Brandon's tree has a hodgepodge of ornaments gathered over the years. Even one that his little sister donated who knows how many years ago, though my ornament really doesn't look the same as it once did.

The new tradition really falls with Papa's tree. It's been exactly one year and we're doing ok. I'll honestly say that more tears have been shed today, and in the past few weeks. We went up to the cemetery as soon as we saw that the sun was out. While Gramma was putting some garland up I decided to draw in the snow. It's not as easy as it looks and my hands were frozen from holding myself up. It was worth it though. This of course was after I was throwing snowballs at his headstone. (He would have found it amusing, though I would have had snow all down my back as a result.)

After we got all of the ornaments on the tree I went back to my car (which had Christmas music blaring) to get my camera. I snapped this shot as I was closing the door. (She doesn't know I took it) While she's unaware of the picture, I think it's beautiful. She'd stepped back to get a better look at the tree. It was important to us that there be a tree up there this year, even though I feel that he'll be here in the house with us during Christmas.

The last picture is a closeup of the finished tree. It turned out really nice and even has his favorite ornaments from the tree in the house. It's still strange to think that he's not here with us, and I still reach for the phone to call him. I even still get angry when I need a question answered and the one person who seemed to have all the answers in the world is the one person who can no longer answer me. I miss him, we miss him, but we're strong and we're making it.

Winter Wonderland

2008-12-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

Well, we've been blanketed with white stuff since Sunday now. I got to Sean's late Saturday night and we'd planned to meet Gramma and Dad to go get trees on Sunday morning. Instead we woke up to a phone call from my dad telling us that we needed to look outside. Winter had officially arrived. So after watching the news, and talking to dad, we decided that coming into Gramma's wasn't the best idea. Instead we went to the store and picked up some food for later in the day and spent the whole day just layin around watching tv, cooking and baking. When we found out that Sean didn't have to work the next day we decided that we could sleep in. We got up late monday and decided to go into Portland. Though I'm not quite sure if we are sane. It was very cold down there. Though I'm pretty sure we both had a good time.

This morning I got up and went with my dad to get trees for Gramma, Papa & Brandon. We went into Newburg and met up with uncle Mickey to get them. It was kinda nice to be able to spend some time just dad and me. On our way home we had to stop by his house to pick up some stuff and while we were there we took a break to play with the boys and build this amazing snowman. I know the picture's kinda blurry, but we had a blast. I was just going to make a mini one, really thinking that Wyatt would just start playing the the snowball thinking it was a ball he could heard. Then dad came out and started making the base. Once we got it all put together dad found some wood for the arms and I got out the spray paint to give him some eyes, buttons, a scarf and a mouth. We called it a day after that and headed on to grammas.

It's really nice to be back home and spending some quality time with gramma. It started Tuesday when I finally made it down from Sean's in Vancouver. We spent some time shopping and getting all of the "last minute" things we needed to get. Most of which wouldn't feel so last minute if it weren't for the peculiar weather we've been having. We've braved the weather a couple of times now.

Tomorrow we're gonna get the tree set up, and decorated. Hopefully I'll get some stuff wrapped and maybe even get a package ready to be mailed east to mom's.

Though I just left Vancouver on Tuesday morning I can't wait to get back up there. It's nice being able to spend more than just one day at a time with Sean. Especially since I know that winter term is just around the corner and will lead to very busy schedules for both of us.

Hope, Strength, Dream!

2008-12-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

Here's to hope. Hope for a good holiday. Hope for peace. Here's to strength. Strength to get through this holiday strong and still believing.

I just finished my first term as a Pre-Service Teacher!!! I wasn't the most productive person this term and I know that I'll drive myself crazy if I'm not more on top of it next term. I am really happy to know that I've made it though my first term and that I've only got 3 more to go. I know it may seem like a lot, but when you've been in college for 6.5 years... three terms is nothing. I've only got one more test to take to be done with testing in general, but I'm afraid it'll be my most difficult one yet. It's the one that I feel I haven't been properly prepared for. That's what happens when you get a professor who doesn't cover the material that's really important.

Tomorrow my best friend and inspiration graduates. For the last 4 years Jess has been my right hand girl. (Even though an hour and a half ago she told me she'd call me back in a minute) I feel truly honored that she's including me in her celebration tomorrow. If it weren't for her I may not have had the drive to pursue my dreams. She helped me realize that you really have to life your own life and follow your own star! I love you Jessy-O!!!

Today is the 12th of December and in two days it'll have been one year since I last got to talk to my hero. This week has been pretty rough. I remember back to the beginning of this year and having this feeling of him wrapping his arms around me. It was at a time when I was feeling particularly alone. I'm happy to say that I don't have that problem this year. I pray that I'll have the hope and strength to get through this holiday season. I have faith and that faith will provide me with my strength. It already has by bringing Sean into my life. A guy who brings a smile to my face every day.

With a long day a head of me tomorrow it's time to sign off.

The Not to CIvil War...

2008-12-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

Talk about an intense first half of a game. I never thought I'd be sitting in Reeser Stadium during a Civil War. I've watched quite a few of them, but never did I think that I would have the change to actually be sitting in the stands. Thanks to the amazing tickets my boyfriend bought, we were sitting just off the 30 yard line. The seats were amazing, and after the game we decided that we really woudln't want to be any closer than we were 20 rows up from the student section. I can no longer think of a better way to spend a Saturday in the fall than sitting in Reeser Stadium watching the Beavs.

Being as sick as I was on Saturday I completely zoned for most of the first quarter. However I wasn't so out of it that I didn't notice as duck after duck went running past me with the ball, all the way to the end zone. If only the Beavs had brought just a bit more defense. In the end a valuable lesson is learned, tradition or not home team doesn't always win the game. :)

Well the never-ending pile of homework is calling me... only 10 more days left in the term!!!

A Walk Down Every Lane

2008-11-24T22:35:00.000-08:00

Sunday Sean and I spend an amazing day wondering the streets of downtown Portland, Lloyd Center, and Cascade Station. We decided since it was such a beautiful day out that we'd spend our day wondering around going where ever we decided to head. We spent some time trying to find various shops that I remembered seeing at one time or another. We walked down to the Pearl District and stopped for something warm to drink. This was the pole that was outside, or rather the artwork they used to cover it. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera so I just snapped a picture with my phone. It's not as easy to see with this picture exactly what it looks like, but it's essentially a totem pole. There are three basic "faces" one in white, which is a cyclops, one in black which is an angry face and the sides in red which is again a cyclops only this time semi-angry. There was just something about this artwork that made me want to stop and take a picture. There was lots of interesting architecture throughout this area that amazed me. I would love to live in a place like this. Just for fun Sean stopped to grab a flier from a reality company and the cheapest place was +500 a square foot!!! There was also an area that actually had a boardwalk. What a boardwalk was doing in a place like downtown Portland I'm not quite sure, but it was interesting to walk on. The landscaping was beautiful as well. It was a part of Portland I'd never really seen before so this was definitely a treat for me.

There was a major down side to this neighborhood. One that just couldn't be overlooked. While walking we discovered that more than one tree was being put up downtown. Of course there is the beautiful main tree in Pioneer Courthouse Square, but there was also a slightly smaller one being erected in Jamison Park. When I say erected I'm being quite literal. As you can see by the picture here, the tree is quite PERFECTLY shaped. Nothing like the one in PCS. Well I decided that we had to take a closer look because I just wasn't sure that it was real. (Mind you we started on the other side than from this point of view) When we walked close by it we discovered much to my dismay that it was in fact a fake tree. IN OREGON. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, ON DISPLAY OUTSIDE AND THEY'RE GOING TO USE A FAKE TREE, THAT'S A DISGRACE!!! When we'd walked past I quickly turned around think that this needed to be documented only to find out that there was a door to the tree. You can see it in the picture by the shadow created. It's also where the garland is disturbed. It reminds me of the story "The Christmas Tree That Ate My Mother"

Well from here we wondered back towards the Max and got on the Trolley and headed to Lloyd Center and wondered there for a while. I did a little bit of my shopping and we again headed out this time for Cascade Station. After a stroll through there we grabbed some dinner and decided to call it a night.

I'm headed to Tri-Cities tomorrow, off to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. Since I wont have computer access while I'm here (Not quite sure what I'm going to do.) I figure I'd get a jump on what I'm thankful for this year.
I'm thankful for my friends and family.
I am thankful for a God who has a plan even if I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm thankful for those I've lost this year, not that I've lost them, but rather that they are still with me.
I'm thankful for the amazing man in my life who has brought me so much joy this past month.
I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned and those I've yet to learn this year.
I'm thankful for my father who has become a man I can respect and look to for advice.
I'm thankful for friends who have my back no matter what comes our way.

These are just some of the things that I'm thankful for.

Bit by the Christmas bug!!!

2008-11-21T18:17:00.001-08:00

Ok, so on my way home today I was mysteriously bitten by the Christmas bug. I was drivin' along minding my own business when all of a sudden I had the urge to listen to Christmas music and think about what I could do for the special people in my life.

Maybe I was inspired by a clip I had recently seen for How the Grinch Stole Christmas. That's how I felt last year in the wake of Papa's passing. This year for some reason I'm ready to get the jump on it. I feel like I have enough spirit for the entire family. I feel as if Papa's watching over me knowing that I always have a hard time getting into the swing of Christmas. I think I'm ready to handle the stress that will undoubtedly accompany this holiday. I'm diving in this year with not only my whole body, but my whole heart. Knowing that this is Papa's holiday, and it's something that I can still share with him.

I love you Papa, and it's with you in mind & heart that I attack this holiday with more spirit than I could ever imagine!!!

So many things... so little time.

2008-11-20T15:56:00.000-08:00

I know I've been neglecting my duties as a blogger in terms of keeping this all up to date. Loads of stuff has happened in the recent past.

Let's start with a few weeks ago. I started dating a wonderful guy named Sean. We met through a "dating site" yes I know they're not always a positive thing... but you don't ever know what you'll find unless you put yourself out there. This particular site is nice because it "matches" you up with people based on your response to certain questions. Sean and I started talking and after a 6 hour phone conversation we decided that we should go on a date and see how it all played out. He ended up picking me up at Gramma's house and we went to Shocktober Fest at the Hillsboro County Fair Complex. It was a really fun night full of laughs and scares. I determined that I was completely terrified of chainsaws. After the haunted attractions we decided to go see a movie. We saw Quarantine and lemme tell you that was one messed up movie. He dropped me back at Gramma's after our 7 hour date.

The next weekend we went to see Saw V, I've finally found someone who will go see scary movies with me!!!

On the 31st of October Sean came down to see me in Monmouth. That night we officially became a couple. We've worked out seeing each other on the weekends and know that we both have busy workweek lives. He's a employee and student at Concordia University and lives in Vancouver, Wa.

Let's move on to the best weekend EVER!
I bought us tickets to the Oregon State vs Cal game on the 15th of October. My dad and Sheri picked us up in the morning and we hung out with them until the game started. I quickly learned that I LOVE watching football with Sean. He had no problems teaching me the things I had yet to figure out about football. I mean I had been watching football for years, alone, with my dad, with Papa, but no one had ever taught me what the downs were. I mean seriously I had no idea what a first down was and why it was important. I knew from watching it on TV that you wanted your team to make it past the yellow line that the people drew for you to know where the line was. That's it. Now I know exactly what it is, why it's important and I can enjoy watching football in a whole new way.

I know that there are people who are worried that I might be "rushing" things or whatever. But I can honestly say that before I met Sean I was a happy person. I felt whole and knew that no matter what I would be happy with my life. Now that I've met Sean I'm only happier. He treats me like a princess, better than anyone outside of my family ever has. I've done a lot of growing since my past relationships and this one is different than all of those before. I'm not with Sean to make someone else jealous, I'm not with Sean so that I'm not alone, I'm with Sean because I want to be and because I like him.

I have a lot of stress in my life right now, but I'm sure there's a reason for all of it. I know that as long as I continue to look up and remember that God's on my side I can do ANYTHING!!!

Using web 2.0 in my classroom

2008-11-20T13:40:00.000-08:00

**Note to readers** This post is for a class. I didn't see the point of creating a whole new blog for just one post for an assignment.

The only way I can currently see using any web 2.0 tools in my classroom is as a teacher. I am currently placed in a second grade classroom with 80% being ELLs. I don't see how any of the tools we've been shown would truly benefit my students. I could see in the future when working with older students, that wikis could be useful when having students work in groups, but truly more likely would be for late middle/high students. As a teacher I could see using the social bookmarking as a valuable resource. I do use the concept already, but the old fashion way, by sending my peers an email with the links in it. I already make pretty good use of RSS by subscribing to the blogs of my friends who are also teachers. I'm sure that as my RSS subscriptions grow I'll find use of the aggregators, but until them I'm quite happy without them.

If I were in a high grade, and had students who had a decent command of the English language I would consider using blogs for my students.

Surprise...Surprise

2008-11-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

Go figure, once again I'm on the outside. I love my family don't get me wrong, but so often I find myself sitting alone, or sitting with them like I'm invisible. Sometimes I feel like I'm 10 again and fighting for attention from my cousins, or fighting just to fit in and belong. During the drive to the movie tonight I tried to talk to Gramma about what dad had to say about Sean and how he brought up what happend with Mike and she told me once again that I was a completely different person, and not a good one at that. That or they're afraid that I'm "rushing into things". Seriously, I'm fine. I have to put my heart out there sometime or I'll end up alone. Besides, that's not really what I meant when I said that dad brought up Mike. He was refering to the fact that Mike broke my heart. I'm sure four years is enough time to get over it. More than enough likely. It wasn't like Mike was the love of my life. Yes I loved him, yes I was even in love with him, but I've moved on.

Then there's the fact that I was faced with a new realization and it sucked. For as long as I can remember, when ever I felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable, left out, or whatever not great feeling I had I could ALWAYS go over to Papa, curl up in his lap and he would make it all better. Last night when I finished my original post on here I went outside, in this enviornment the computer just wasn't cutting it. I walked out to the side of the house, I felt lost. I sat on the curb and instantly realized where I needed to be. In Papa's arms being told that it would all be ok, that I just needed to put myself out there. I tried to think of all of the places that I could feel close to him and they were limited. I knew his chair was where I really wanted to be, but it was in a room full of people and already had an occupant. So instead I sat on the tailgate and cried. Cried for all of the things that I miss, for all of the things he'll miss. I got dragged back in for dinner, and as soon as people started leaving I curled up in his chair with my iPod and cried. I cried for a long time. When everyone had gone home I talked with Gramma. It made it better, to be able to talk to the one person who could possibly understand just how it feels to miss him like I do. I'm not saying that her and I miss him the same, but for us it's close.

So accomplished.

2008-11-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

I've haven't felt this accomplished in so long. I can't believe the amount of work I've gotten done today. While I know that I spent much of the morning slacking off and doing lots of nothing I still got quite a bit of stuff done tonight. I managed to get almost completely caught up on my notes for one class and finished an entire lesson plan. *Caution confession coming* I've finally written a lesson plan all on my own!!! The idea and everything, all mine. No one can take any bit of credit for it. I still have a lot of work to get done. Including, but certainly not limited to a paper that's due Friday morning at 9 am.

As for other exciting news. I actually assisted in teaching for the first time in my class. There was an incident which required my teacher to step out to talk with the principal and she handed me the class. It was completely scary I wont lie. Lucky for me it was at the end of the day and the second easiest thing we do. It was a math lesson on doubles and neighbors (2 & 2 and 2 & 3). All I had to do was ask the students to tell me what went on top of our number sentence and what went on bottom. It felt really great that she trusted me to just completely take over the class, and to actually be teaching not just monitoring their abilities to work on a worksheet.

Lets see... what else is new? Well I guess an update about Sean is in order. In the words of Izzie Stevens, "We're going steady." lol There's just something about that statement that is so old school, aside from the fact that it's a term from the 50s. He lives in Vancouver and we only get to see eachother on the weekends, but I actually think that's likely a good thing. With him working during the week and me at school/in class during the week I'm way more focused, knowing that if I'm going to be responsible I have to get my work done before the weekend. Espeically since I don't do any homework on the weekends anyway. Never really have, well Sunday nights aren't really the weekend, just like Friday nights aren't really the work week. It's a nice trade off.

I... I don't know what else I really have to say, I've said alot tonight. :)

So there's this boy...

2008-10-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

when I think about him I can't help but smile. He's a complete gentleman, I seriously don't think I've opened a single door. He's... well I guess I'm still learning... *abandoning blog to edit Em's paper. :)

Will You Dance With Me?

2008-10-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

Will You Dance With Me?
I'm a dancer,
and I move to the rhythm of the music
Oh it carries me away.
Yes I'm a dancer
I was born to live this life
I did not choose it
And when the song begins to play
Oh please, please will you dance with me?

I'm a dreamer,
though my head is the clouds
I keep believin'
they really do come true,
a rainbow chaser
and at the end I know that all the love I needed
I will find it here with you
So please, please will you dance with me?

Baby, can you hear the melody, I swear I've never heard a sound so sweet
Makes me want to take your hand,
float across the floor.
I've never felt like this before.

I'm a lover
Of all things everywhere God set in motion
like the Sun, the Moon and stars are lives together
We'll rise and fall like the waves upon the ocean,
if you take me in your arms.
So please, please will you dance with me?

Ohhhhhhhh
please will you dance with me?
Uhhh Ohhhhh...

I truly heard this song for the first time today and it kinda just struck me. Maybe it's because I dance everyday to the beat of my own tune. Maybe it's because while on my date I was literally hearing songs in my head. (Sean had to ask me twice what song it was that I was hearing.)

:)

A Little Bit of Evil in All of Us

2008-10-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ok so I never thought that I could be so much fun to take ones phone hostage. I just wanted to know what it was that she said. :) I guess there is a little bit of evil in all of us. :)

Today started out horribly early and horribly. I awoke at 2am with a cramp in my leg and couldn't shake it. Then I was late to class, and later than I like to be to school.

It got slightly better at school however. For the first time today more than one of my students actually called me by name instead of "teacher" which was awesome. Then we had a fire drill and I got separated from my class and I had two students with me. I was picking up the stragglers left in the class and the alarm sounded. I reached up to grab the envelope we take with us (though I'm not sure what it's for since it's basically empty and holds no information) and looked out in the hallway and the doors leading to the rest of our class had closed. Ok I rounded up all two of my students and headed outside. It was crazy. I got to see the productive side of a difficult student too. That was completely rewarding even if the staff who see him daily don't see it that way.

First Date

2008-10-19T22:23:00.001-07:00

Ok so I'd like to start out with my venting. Vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent.

Now that that's done with. I started talking to this guy and we had this awesome conversation about all kinds of things. We've spent quite a bit of time texting too. Last night we went out on our first date. We went to Shocktober festival. It's a Halloween themed festival at the Hillsboro fair complex. There were two PG-13 attractions and two for the younger ones, along with mini golf. We went and did all of the attractions and discovered that I am rediculously scared of chainsaws. When we were done there we decided to go see a movie. So we headed back to Gramma's to check times and whatnot. Then headed off to see Quarantine. It was a really scary movie. Then he took me home. Ok time for bed now. :)

Never Truly Alone

2008-08-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

For what is likely the first time in my life I feel truly alone. Please to those I've talked to don't take this personally. You are where you are and there's no changing that. Today started out a great day. I finally finished the third book in the Twilight Saga and was ready to move on to the fourth. Most of you don't know this, but every one at work is ahead of me in the series... you know how much I like being behind in reading something fun. So I go to work and have a pretty good day until the last two hours. LITERALLY THE LAST TWO HOURS OF MY SHIFT!!! This man comes to my line and I ring up his purchase and he's forgotten his wallet. He looks at me and says "I'll be back." I called after him to ask how long he would be, just to his car, home, some kind of judgment so that I would know what to do with his stuff. He had dairy and meat products. He finally said "I'll be back later." I took this to mean that he would be a while and I should likely put his things away. My manager was occupied and we weren't too busy so I just turned my light off and went to assist other people with bagging and whatnot. Five minutes later the man comes back, meanwhile my courtesy girl has gone to put his stuff away. He growls, "I take it you sent my stuff back." I calmly replied, "Yes sir, I thought you'd be gone longer." He barely even let me finish before he started in on me while I was trying to get Hailey to bring his stuff back. The man was so rude I had fellow cashiers stepping in to try to alleviate some of the hostility I was facing. I completely lost it... apparently I'm extremely emotional right now... which I knew why. So with that settled the rest of the night was ok. Even had a really hot ball player come though my line :)
When I got off... half an hour early... thanks Carol! I had a text message waiting from Justin. (Don't worry, he's just curious as to what's going on with me.) I texted him back and then told him that I was driving home and he could call if he wanted. We talked the whole way home, about what had been happening for the last four years. It was nice, no pressure, just talking like old friends. When I got home I decided to stop and check the mail, mostly junk, save for one envelope that I didn't like the look of. Nondescript and too plain. I opened it and my worst fear came true. I'm not going to go into details... could be nothing, could be the world. Justin kept me fairly calm, telling me to breathe when I'd stopped. I called Mom to talk to her... and no answer, her phone's off... so I called Gramma, and that was good. Then I called Jess, that was good too, other than the fact that they both pointed out that I was all alone. (DON"T FEEL BAD OR I"LL SHOOT YOU!) All alone. No one, they're all gone. Gramma's at home, Mom's in Washington, Jess in Idaho, Emily at camp. Not even my "secondary friends" are around... Kirsten (Though not really a secondary friend... is away also at camp... Melanie's across the country... Carissa's at home... and lets face it we're not as close as we used to be. To make all the matters worse, I'd just been discussing how I've been single for four years. I know all of you were pleased to see Mike go, but he was the last guy to really care... even if for a short time.
With all these weddings surrounding me, sometimes I have to wonder if I'll ever find love like that. I try to keep it light joking that "I need a boyfriend" but that's not it at all. I want to feel that kind of love. The kind that you can't possibly imagine living without. The kind that you don't want to fall asleep at night and can't wait to wake up in the morning because you don't want to miss it. I wonder if I used up all my chances at love growing up. I hope not, and I'll try to remain patient while God works on the man I'm supposed to be with. Until then I'll keep my love stories, keep reading and dreaming of a future so full of love that it'll be hard to believe it's real.

I Still Miss You!!!

2008-08-01T22:18:00.001-07:00

I had a customer come in today and he only bought a few items, a gallon of milk and a cantaloupe, he wasn't in my line for long, but it was long enough for me to loose it. He was an elderly man, and for some reason he reminded me of Papa. Now think about the number of men who come through my line in a day. I'm still not sure why it was this man who struck me so hard. I've teared up before, just briefly, but not like tonight. When he walked away I completely broke down. I'm very thankful that no one else was in my line because I don't know what I would have told them. It was hard enough trying to tell two of my co-workers that I was fine. Now obviously I wasn't fine, I was crying. I had to step away and take some time to calm down. Once I had I was fine, though the song I Still Miss You came straight to mind when it happened.

Well I'm in the beginning of a very good book and can't seem to stay away from it :) You know me always the bookworm! :)

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

Tad bit Testy

2008-07-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

I'm just ready for this summer to be done. Don't get me wrong there's quite a bit of fun and exciting and important stuff happening this summer. I am just so ready to be starting the next chapter in my life. Yes I know to most it seems like just another year of college, but for me personally it's a whole new chapter. I mean it's like the home stretch, I'm finally there! So with everything going on in my life and having to pay off some old debts I'm feeling a little testy. For the last six years I haven't really had to think too much about money problems. All of a sudden my savings account is empty and my bank account is bare. It's not even so much not having the money, its the having to actually monitor my spending. Not being able to say hey I love that, I'll take it! I don't really even have the money to spend on the "I need that for the next stage of my life" type things. However, I did just buy the cutest pair of mary-jane flats!!! I got a heck of a deal and I have been looking for a pair for... well forever!
On top of all of this I feel as if I'm about to snap. Not all the time, but just randomly I feel extremely agitated and find myself snapping at people. I hate it because I don't realize I'm doing it until after the damage is done, but at the same time I'm still hesitant to stand up to the people who are really the ones who are agitating me. I know most of this likely makes no sense what so ever, but here it is anyway.
I have a very long day at work tomorrow, followed by a long drive back to Hillsboro to attend a bridal shower for Carissa. Somewhere in there I have to find a gift too!!! Oh, did I mention that both of my checks for this month total less than two hundred dollars? Yeah seriously that sucks, I guess I'll be working myself to the bone for the month of August. :)

A rarity in my world

2008-07-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

So for the first time in a long time I had a great day at work today! Really and truly. I was scheduled for a simple 5 hour shift working lunch breaks, which really means I run around and do a bit of everything. We had an all girl crew for the managers, which means a great day for me. I get along with all of the female managers so it's nice when they're the ones who are working. When I was almost off they asked if I could stay late, which was kinda nice, since I could kinda use the money right about now, so of course I said yes. So I'm just now home, and I love that it wasn't even dark when I got here. I have to be up bright and early for an 8 am meeting and work 12-9 tomorrow, followed by girls day on Sunday so I'm off to get ready for bed!!

Update ;)

2008-06-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hello all!!!

Well a request came in for an update, so here it is. I'm sitting at Gramma's house, also known as my second home. And well that's I'll I have time for... maybe tonight after work I'll write more :)

2008-05-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

I’ll Always Remember.

As I walk along I'm reminded.
Your face is a constant backdrop to my mind.
I close my eyes and your face, full of laughter, looks back at me.

I'll always remember.
The last time I heard your laugh.
I can still feel your hand close around mine as we walk along.
Your advice ringing through my head reminds me that I'm never alone.

I'll always remember.
Your voice, a constant encouragement, "Atta Girl!!!"
I know that with you looking over me I can achieve it all.

I'll always remember.
A man so happy to be alive,
A man who loved his family and would through eternity.

I'll always remember.
Your lessons, sometimes vague, but always firm.
Every moment a lesson.

I'll always remember.
A story every day.
Even told more than once, just as thrilling as the first.

I'll always remember.
Your love, constant and never failing.
Not just with words but always with actions.

As I go through live I'll always remember.
I'll live my life to the fullest, have fun today,
Because time is precious and each day is a gift.
I'll always remember.
I love you Papa!!!

I have always defined myself as a writer. Not everyone does, but I do. The hardest thing since December has been my inability to really write. To write on the one topic I've wanted to write on. I'm surprised that a school assignment inspired me to write this, but nonetheless it did and I finally feel like I've written something worth reading. The assignment was to write a poem (non-rhyming) to accompany an art print. Here's the print.

A day of FuN!

2008-05-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

Procrastination is the worst trait to have. I mean I know I do it, so why don't I stop right? I know that at some point we've all done it, and maybe there's some deep seeded reason for it. So here I am 18 days away from the official end of the term and I have 1 paper due on Tuesday, 1 paper due on Wednesday, 3 papers due by the 2nd of June, and 4 papers due by the 4th of June. That doesn't include the small papers that should be a cake to finish, nor does it include my teaching practicum for my PE class. Or my two finals I have to take. I know that one day I'm going to look back at this and laugh my head off. I mean seriously who puts 11 papers off until the last minute? I guess the answer to that question is me.
So the real reason for my desire to get on here and start typing, other than to put my papers off some more, and get my brain working, is that I had an amazing time the other day. There's a girl I work with who's deaf, and through her I've improved my sing language skills ten fold. Her birthday is today and so she had her party recently. I met her at her house at 8:30 in the morning and got to meet her boyfriend, Joel, and her friends Cruz, Kelsey, Mira and Jesse. We all went paintballing. I'd never been before, but I had a blast. There were five of us in Brenna's truck as we went to meet the other two at the location. We played for four hours and then went to red robin for lunch. From there we went back to Brenna's and separated into our various cars and went to Kelsey's house. There I got to meet Kelsey's parents and we played Gestures. I'd played the game before, but not using sign language. That was a bit tougher let me tell you. It was really good practice though. By the time we left Kelsey's house it was after 8pm and I was ready for bed!!! I have a few bruises, but they're not too bad, well the one on my leg is kinda gross and in a bad spot, but the pain was worth the fun that I had. :)

A Great Cadet Lost

2008-05-09T22:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure what to write. I never thought that facebook could be the way that I find out that I've lost someone in my life. I logged on tonight after work to the worst possible scenario. I use facebook to keep up with those who are living the lives, at least part of them, that I wish I could. The one thing that truly linked my Papa and I. I use it to keep up with the Cadets that I was in AFROTC with. There were a select few of us when I was there known as 250s. Those of us who were combining our 100 and 200 years into one crowded year. Ben, Nicole, Aaron and I were four of the five. I can't for the life of me remember the name of the fifth, only the details about him. I've followed the careers (though still in the program) of Ben, Nicole & Aaron through myspace and facebook. When I logged on tonight the pictures of many of the cadets had changed.... all to pictures of Ben. More specifically in memory of Cadet Ben Gerling. At first I thought it was a joke. I mean Ben was such an amazing man, he knew how to pick people up. He knew what he wanted and did whatever it took to get it. I still don't know what happened...

I have an answer, well as much of one as I'll ever get regarding the situation. He committed suicide during the first part of May.

My own personal silence

2008-04-23T00:26:00.000-07:00

I sit here in what is likely the closest to silence I ever am comfortably. The radio's on quietly enough that I can fall asleep. Well on most nights. This very early morning however, sleep alludes me. I've finished a book, played Mario Bros. and done multiple sudoku puzzles. I've realized that I don't write on here anymore. I also think I know why. I like the ability to stay caught up with people, but I don't like the fact that here, unlike my head, private conversations and even my handwritten journal I can't truly say what's on my mind. I can say the things that I'm ok with EVERYONE knowing, but not the things I feel should be kept from certain people. Or a certain person. That alone is a reason I would often be on here writing, but writing and then not posting them just isn't as fun.
Well, for those who don't know and are actually reading this I got into the Education Program here at WOU set to start in the Fall of 2008!!! This is extremely exciting and a bit overwhelming to be quite honest. Jessica is in the 3rd term and I see what she's going through, whether she knows it or not, she's become one of my biggest roll models. And with nothing against him, the day that Matt moved up here was one of the saddest of my life. I am beyond happy for Jess!!! She deserves all of the happiness in the world, but not getting to see her anymore sox as Dad says. It's kinda depressing watching all of my friends get married. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have planning to do for Jess's batchelorette party.
This term is going well. I love my Art Education class, it's a great chance to be creative twice a week at least. I also love my Human Sexuality class, the group is great and having Amy as a teacher again is also a big bonus. My ESOL classes are a mix, I love one while not liking the other. My PE class is only ok because it's with Marita, other than that it's kinda boring. (It's PE instruction basically, not a fun class)
oK, well now that I've done many things, hand written a book it seems, and have a migraine growing I'll take some medicine and head to bed, I think I'm finally tired enough to sleep, only to be up at 7:45am to head to class :)

~~Cara

Big time slacker!!

2008-03-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know that I said that I would try to post more often and it seems that I've been doing less than before... well I've been busy with the end of winter term! YAY the boringness is over. Well spring break was... what's the word? Interesting? I had a pretty good break, very relaxing and got quite a bit of stuff done. Now I'm back at school and have already started my week with a 8:30am class... now I have a 5+ hour break before my next class. I've already gone and paid tuition and gotten my books, well ordered them at least. Well I guess that's an update :) lol enjoy... I'll try to get better... or I'll at least keep trying to do better :)

WOW!

2008-03-04T10:14:00.000-08:00

Ok so Em is totally right, she could have done a better job updating my blog for the last two weeks. I guess I've just had too much on my mind to enjoy writing for fun. What that really translates to is that I've got too much homework that I've put off until the last minute and now it's crunch time and I have to play catch up. I seriously must enjoy it, I do it EVERY term. Last term it was WR440 and this term it seems to be my ESOL class. I haven't done a single thing for that class and I have three papers due next Tuesday. Not to mention my grant proposal and resource card rationale.

I got to go home this past weekend and spend some quality time with Gramma and see the rest of the family who came to dinner on Sunday to celebrate my birthday. Dad and I spent some time in Gramma's yard gettin a head start on the season to come by mowing and doing some trimming. Believe it or not it was the first time I've ever mowed a yard! (More than the let me try as a kid that lasted no more than thirty seconds) I tried the gas trimmer too, but I wasn't so good at that one. My cousin bought me beautiful roses! Which are currently sitting on my desk.

I drove down Saturday afternoon and decided that I would stop by Bales to pick up two roses to take up to the cemetery. I then drove over there and decided to start by going to Papa's grave, only his headstone still isn't up there so I had to use my detective skills to find him. Well, I went to where I thought it was supposed to be and found what I thought was the spot, but I just wasn't positive so I decided I would walk around for a few moments and make sure I was in the right spot. There really was only the one spot it could be, but I wanted to be positive, so I called Mom. Mom suggested that I walk over to the office and inquire there. So I started to walk across the field to the office and I had taken no more than two steps away from the grave when the seeminly clear sky just opened up an poured on me. I'm serious there were a few clouds sure, this is Oregon, but they were beautiful white cumulus clouds! And here it was POURING on me as I walked across the field. Jokingly to mom I said, I guess Papa was trying to tell me I was in the right spot after all. I got to the road and was getting kinda cold with now being wet and everything, so I looked up and said "Ok, Papa I get the picture, you can stop the rain now." And just like it started the rains stopped. Yeah Ok so scientifically it was a cloud burst, but not to me. In the only way he could, he was trying to tell me that I was in the right place all along. I walked back to where I started and left my flower behind, and trekked on to my next stop, Brandon. I left my rose there and continued on to Gramma's house.

Well I've spent way more time than I planned writing right now and I only have 15 minutes to finish getting ready for class... So I must go...

Cara

Update

2008-02-28T21:58:00.001-08:00

Ok so I haven't written enough lately. Here's a blog. I have nothing new to add right now... I know I'm boring... too busy working on homework. Here Jess this is for you... an update... Ok. I'm done now :) enjoy! :)

A picture sparks a thought

2008-02-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

I was looking back, I guess to see what I thought was so important in my life before December, nothing. Well not really, it's all trivial now. But that sparked another thought. I have a picture of Papa on my page and many times when I look at it I feel as if nothings changed. I mean I look at that picture and think about all the life captured in it... I think it's the only picture that doesn't bother me. Someone somewhere said that a picture captures your soul... I don't think I've ever given it much thought until recently. I look at that picture and I don't feel anything specific, at least anything different than I always have when I've looked at a picture of Papa. With some other pictures I look at them and something's missing. Maybe that seems strange, but there's one picture that I was looking at and I really felt as if something was missing from the picture. OK, well I have to get back to my Music midterm... maybe more later :)

The Writing Bug

2008-02-12T00:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I think I've been bit by the writing bug. Has anyone seen him? I'd like to thank him. While I haven't been able to do the writing I'd like to... In this case a poem I intend to entitle Hero, or something close to... but I'm writing again. I've written more this week than I have since I can remember. I have a confession to make to my family... I haven't told any of you this yet... my I have my interview for the Education Program tomorrow at 1pm... I know I'm sorry I haven't called... you know me though I don't like to jinx myself when it comes to interviews... we all know I tend to find a way to not get a call after them. I know this case is a little different, and I prolly wouldn't have told Em either, but well she's my roommate and Ryan kept asking me if I'd gotten a call and I couldn't lie about it. I don't think I have anything else to say... I've written so much lately that there's nothing left flying around in my head... I love it... maybe some ideas for Hero will come to mind... Question... how do you leave a gift for someone who's "no longer with us"? *Yes I understand it's a strange question... don't ask me why, I likely wont tell you... but if you have any ideas please let me know... ANyways I'd like to know if people are actually reading this... so leave comments!!!!!!!!! yes M that needed more !!!!! and more than three :) Seriously yo's leave comments it's not nice to read and not leave comments ;) Or at least email me...

One thing after another...

2008-02-11T01:01:00.000-08:00

Who thought that I'd find the urge to blog two times in one weekend? Well lets just say that Brandon's attack was just the first thing in a series of incidents. After I came in the house I called Dad and had a pretty good conversation with him, it was nice. I made something to eat and sat down and watched some TV. Nothing too exciting, but I managed to "enjoy" the rest of my evening. I got up the next morning (Saturday) and did my final preparations for the ORELA, only to realize as I was walking up to the building that I was approaching a 4 hour test without my glasses... ok so it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least I didn't get too bad of a headache. I almost lost it in the test too! here I was entering the science section of the test and questions about test/subject research came up asking about control groups and the amount of knowledge people involved in the study have, including the doctors. Instantly I could picture standing outside of ICU room 12 looking over this packet of material, listening to my uncle say that they're going to try it, even though they don't know if he'd even get the real treatment. I seriously needed some fresh air, but I knew I couldn't leave the building, though no one would have known I couldn't take the chance. I sucked it up, like Papa would have told me to and finished the test. I came back home and watched a movie on abcFamily, it was good... then I started watching something on my laptop while I attacked the mess that was my room, that's what happens during the week, I just let it go, only to attack it when I'm in the mood.... well I started in on trying to find a new location for a laundry sorter I bought, as I'm tired of having to sort my stuff out when I need to do a load. Anyways I started cleaning out my closet and came to my crate where I keep all of my hats, with the exception of my new OSU hat, so not the point. I was moving my hats to put something else in the crate, pulling each hat out carefully to stack them. That's when I saw it. The hat that Papa had given me, a thought crossed my mind and I thought just maybe if I tried I could smell him, by smelling the hat. Just something, a hint that he'd been there, that he'd worn it. Unfortunately it just wasn't there. Then as I was standing on my stool, clutching this hat I looked down to find his camera case, still containing the camera he loaned me eight years ago. Something that I don't know if he ever intended for me to have, but something that none the less I will treasure for the rest of my life. That brought me to look at my book shelf where my sacred bag of rocks sits, a constant reminder that no boy that he wouldn't approve of is worth my time, boys are stupid, throw rocks at them! Bringing me to yet another thought, if he isn't here to give me his approval, how will I know if someone is good enough for me? How will I ever know? School, this apartment is supposed to be my sanctuary, I'm not supposed to have to deal with this stuff here... I mean I know I do, but I'm not supposed to have it thrown at me. Then to top it all off I was watching TV on my laptop tonight and on this episode they were talking about people in the hospital and saying goodbye and again I lost it. I mean I can't help but remember that feeling of sitting in the main lobby of the hospital and staring up at the window that was his room and realizing that Lilly was no longer in the window and there was something covering it. Only to find out that they'd covered all of the windows in his room.
So here I am once again with this whole thing being torn open, I wish I could get a knot in the end, just to make it stop opening up everytime something triggers it. Again I am left without any energy, feeling empty, lost and broken... and I can only imagine that this is a fraction of what Gramma feels everyday, and I wish I could do something to ease that pain, but only time can help these wounds... so time is what we'll give it, right Gramma?

Unbelieveable Neighbors!

2008-02-08T23:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, so at 11 I got home from work... I was pullin in to my parking spot and in front of me was my neighbor (Brandon), the one whom I've actually talked to on more than one occasion. He pulled in and I was pulling in right next to him when Tyler (his roommate) opened his door, I promptly stopped so that the person could get out of the car, and when the door was shut I proceeded to pull in to my spot. I Set my stuff on the trunk to get my bag out of the back and said hi to Tyler, who apologized for the "door thing" I then followed him and two of his friends upstairs. Brandon and his girlfriend stayed in his car. I said goodnight to Tyler as he and his friend went into their apartment and as I was getting my door unlocked Brandon came running up the stairs. He looked right at me and said "It's ok if you've been drinking and driving, but you almost took off my door." Yes SERIOUSLY!!! He said that to me! (Yes I'm aware I've used my exclamation points, but I don't care!) I promptly told him that I had not been drinking and his response was "I don't want to argue here." I mean seriously, what's wrong with this guy? I didn't even come close to his car!!! I know I pulled in towards my spot a little fast, but I stopped and waited for his very drunk friend to get out of the car and shut the door before finishing. So I just apologized (Whatver) and finished opening my door. I set my stuff down and decided that I couldn't just let this go, it really offended me. I stepped across the hall and knocked on the door and Tyler answered, with the girl who'd also gone inside. I asked Tyler to assure Brandon that I had not been drinking, that I was in fact just coming home from work. That's when Tyler asked me what had happened... Let just say that we finished our conversation with Tyler saying "Damnit Brandon" as he was closing the door. I think I'd be pretty safe saying that he wasn't too pleased with his roommate.

While I think I handled it pretty well, seeing as someone had just accused me of drinking and driving. I do think that I could have handled it better, and wish that I would have been less emotional and therefore been able to confront Brandon while he was talking to me.

Ok... I'm done... sorry to vent... wait no I'm not... this is my blog and I'll vent if I want to :)

Crazy world...?

2008-02-04T15:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, that was lack of a better title... maybe one will come to me... so here I am 1 hour and and 42 minutes from when my ed app is due and it is still not done... ok so really all I have to do is get off my butt and go make my copies and then actually hand it over. I know I know just do it already... but seriously this is a huge deal... this is it. I mean I've been working towards this for three years now and I'm finally to the point that I can take this step. I'm terrified! Also I just got the newsletter from camp... and am kinda bummed that I wont be returning this year. Yeah I know that I hated most of my summer when it came to my fellow counselors... but a small part of me will always see that place as home... not the people... just the camp itself. The gorgeous sunsets over the mountains, the ridiculously hot days, the AMAZING tan I got... I don't think I'll ever be that dark again in my life. I mean I'm looking at the page and seeing who's returning as support staff and seeing how I think that it's great that certain people are getting these positions... but a small part of me wishes that I could be going back there too... but I know that I'd just be miserable if I did go... I mean really, I was allergic to the entire state, bugs and all that. Who would want to do that all over again? I guess me.. lol.
No seriously I don't want to go back... This is going to be an amazing summer. What with whisking away to Cali for Jess's bachelorette party in June, Summer classes in July, Rissa's wedding in August, and Finally Jess's wedding in Septemeber, followed directly with my entering the ed program... what more could I possibly ask for? Oh wait I know... :) ... No, I am happy with my life right now. I'm a little overwhelmed with assignments and projects right now but I know that I am strong enough to get through all of this. If there's one thing that Papa taught me (among the many things) it was that I am strong enough to do ANYTHING!
Speaking of Papa... I think, now that I'm back at school... and I see myself from a different angle that this whole time when I really thought that I was in complete denial that I was in my own way dealing with it. I can make comments at work and not feel like a crazy person... and I can think about happy things when it comes to him... Though Saturday brought one of my hardest days in a while. What I thought was me being sick to my stomach was really the feeling left behind by a disturbing dream from the night before. It left me with the feeling that I could have stopped it all... which I know in reality to be a false statement. But in my dream I could have stopped it all and I could have woken up to find him alive and well. It was hard waking up and having to remind myself that he truly was gone and anything in my dream was not going to change that. It's ok though, I know that I'll have days like that, and I know that many others will too. I just remind myself that if I wait, he'll visit me again... and hopefully the next time it'll be a dream that leaves me feeling better in the morning.
Ok, now that I've put it off for another 10 minutes I guess I'll start getting ready to go to the library and get my application photocopied...

Goodbye for now

Cara

Back at Work

2008-01-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today's my first official day back at work and not to have the next two weeks off... I had a meeting yesterday and it seemed to go well. I've decided that I'm going to try and blend into the background. That's the new goal. I figured that if I blend into the background I can keep from getting myself into trouble. Hopefully it will work. Ok well off to work, talk to you later.

My heart's breaking all over again...

2008-01-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

So here I am sitting on the phone with my mom... and my heart is breaking all over again. Last night was the hardest night I've faced yet. And while mom made me feel better about it, seeing it from a different way, I think it started the breaking down of everything. I think it started in science... how one little comment can break down walls that you so painstakingly struggled to build. Once again I feel that feeling in my chest as if something is physically missing. Like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and left me with the gaping hole. I feel like I'm spinning out of control, while maintaining a perfectly even keel. Though I will be ok, and I know that I will... it currently feels like the world could end today.

Lost, but back at school.

2008-01-07T00:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here's the newest... I'm back at school... YAY or not. I don't know... A small part of me wants to be excited, but a part of me is confused, it feels wrong to be excited, or having fun. My Gramma keeps calling me her rock, and talking about how horrible all of these other people are doing, but here I am, standing tall. It feels as if I'm betraying him, because I'm not a complete emotional wreck. Yes mom, I was listening to our conversation, I do understand that because of the "power" of my beliefs I'm having a less difficult time with this. But SERIOUSLY it feels WRONG!!!! I don't care if it's my beliefs that are helping me, I feel like crap, because I don't feel like crap! And how do I tell Gramma that I'm afraid to make a list of the things that I would like to have, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. There are things that I'd love to have and cherish, but I don't know that I have any right to have them. I guess we just do the best we can every day. Is it strange that I let myself forget that he's even gone? Really, I think I actively try to come up with why he could possibly be away, while Gramma's still at home. The first night I didn't sleep on the couch, Gramma came in, like always to open my door and the blinds in my room... and you know what, I laid there, waiting for Papa to come in and sing to me. I literally waited for a full five minutes before I realized that he'd never be able to do that again. With that, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow's a brand new adventure!

Just an quick update

2007-12-29T23:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I really wished I knew who was reading this... but alas I never do. I am still in Hillsboro, staying with my Gramma. The Memorial Service was amazing. I don't think I could have asked for much more... maybe a 21 gun salute, but I was the only one who wanted it. I'll finish later... I'm tired, and I can't really breath. :)

A HERO lost

2007-12-19T11:54:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are reading this... I just wanted to let you know that My HERO has been called home. He's with God and watching over us. I don't want to go into details. I don't really have internet access where I'm staying, but you can comment on here.

At a loss of what to do.

2007-12-17T20:33:00.001-08:00

I don't know what to do right now. I'm sitting in the main lobby at Portland's Providence Hospital. I haven't slept since Sunday (12/16) Morning at 6:26am. (It's now 8:36pm on Monday the 17th) If someone is reading this and doesn't have any idea what's going on I appologize, this isn't going to be pretty to read, but I need to get somethings off of my chest.
By what I'm attributing to God's Will, my manager let me off early on Sunday night, I was supposed to get off at 6:30 and he let me go at 5:45pm. I called to talk to my mom and after a series of questions, mostly about where I was and what my frame of mind was, my mom informed me that my Papa was in the hospital. Something to know is that my family is extremely close, sometimes freakishly so. My family is my world. My Papa is my HERO. Not only is he MY HERO, he's the Hero of the entire family and well he's just a Hero. My Papa is the most amazing man in the entire world. He's the most caring man you could possibly meet in a lifetime.
Long story short, I got to the hospital and surprised my Gramma. She didn't know that I was on my way up here. Papa was doing good when we left. Gramma and I were the last two family members to see him alert, and joking around in true Larry Miller form. Gramma and I went home to get some rest, we'd been through this before and to recover he just needed some rest and some medication. Gramma and I laid down about 12am and Gramma got a call at 2:15am letting her know that Papa had had a seizure and she managed to not wake me up until 6:26am. I got up and she didn't make is sound really bad so I took a shower and quickly got in the car to leave. We got here as fast as we could and went in to see him... from here it's really a big blur of many many hours of waiting. Finally Uncle Gale showed up followed by Joe's family, Deb, Nikki, Cody, Sarah and Chris. Nikki and I have always been close. We were eachothers rock at this point. I'd been trying to reach my brother with no luck, his phone was missing. My dad was working in Bend, not really wanting to, but needing to all at the same time. I felt so alone, never in my life so alone. I had to be Gramma's strength, not that I minded it, but it was hard. Finally we reached Shawn and my dad drove back., but those few hours were really tough. I sat with him, I talked to him, and I just made sure that he knew we were there.
Damn does Papa know how to command an audience. My cousin Nikki, my brother Shawn and I basically sat with him through the night. There were two things that we knew for sure, 1. That Gramma would never be alone, and 2. That Papa would never be alone. I'm so numb I don't know what to do. Ok, so there's breakdown "i" ok so only a few people will get that, but hey what can I say. Ok, back to my story. The Dr's didn't know what was wrong, and they didn't know why all of this was happening. They did Catscans, MRIs, CTs, you name it I'm sure they did it. Finally we got some news, that they movements he was making weren't seizures and so they could take him off of the sedation and something else.
Today marked the biggest blow. They came and told us it was a stroke. We had hope, and we were strong. I felt like I was the glue that was holding everything together at this point, I wasn't but it felt like it. We were trying to be strong, I knew that people recovered from strokes, they got better. No not 100%, but they do get better.
Just before 10am they came in and told us that the Neurologist had looked at some things, ordered another scan and would meet with the family at 1pm. This started the phones and also sent my brother and I out on a spree, by this I mean we raced home, let the dogs out, picked up some supplies and food and raced back. Only to wait, the Neurologist was busy and had to wait to see us. We waited. We waited. Then with all of us gathered in this incredibly small box the neurologist started at the beginning to make sure everyone knew what was going on. They missed a clot in his aorta. They don't know if it would have made a difference. I say that it wouldn't have, this MUST be God's Will. Then she told us how the clot traveled up an artery and blocked the blood supply to the left hemisphere of his brain. This damage induced swelling of the brain, which then damaged the other side of his brain. He's not responsive. She then delivered the final blow. Papa is brain dead. And just like that My World was broken. I kept it together as I scoured the hospital searching for Nikki. She had chosen not to be in the room. I finally found her in a hallway with her brother Cody. Cody in the front followed by Nikki, me and Sarah we leaned on eachother and completely lost it.
Family members are arriving, and damn it they're coming to say goodbye. I haven't been in for along time now. I took Brett in there, because he needed me, but I couldn't stay. It wasn't seeing him like that, he hasn't changed since we came back Sunday morning. It was that he was in there, and I'm afraid to loose hope. He's still in there and I know it.
I've spent more time in the chapel these hours than I have in a long time. At first I went to pray, but I've gone beyond that, I go now to find peace... I just now am ok enough to sit down an write all of this out. I've left out details, and maybe when I'm stronger and want to give more I will.

I'm not writing this for any of you who may be reading. I'm writing because it's all I still know how to do.

Who in this world knows?

2007-12-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

Really, that's my question tonight. Who in this world knows? I'm beyond ready for this term to be done... but what I have decided is that it wasn't that bad in the first place. I've had to work harder this term than I have any other term since I've been here. School's always come easy to me, so to have a term that's challenging me this much is, well just that too much. I don't mind a challenge, but to me a challenge is having to work harder specifically. I've been working harder generally. I know I prolly sound like I don't have any idea of what I'm talking about, but I do. When I complete something that's challenging to me I feel great afterward. It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. When I finish something that's just ridiculous I don't feel anything but relief. Ok now that that's done with I'm just ready to get in some Christmas shopping!!!!

A day lost

2007-11-20T11:29:00.000-08:00

Ok so I've decided that yesterday just needed to happen. I know as crazy as that sounds for those of you who heard where the day went from there (mind you I posted at 1 in the afternoon). Yes, yesterday was a horrible, rotten, terrible no good day. But today is better! Thanks to the amazing support of Kirsten I got to sleep through PE this morning with no, ok very little, guilt and although I'm still a bit groggy I feel much better. I think that I realize now that I just took on a bit much at the wrong time of the term and I should have known better than that. I guess I never thought that they would schedule me for so many hours as a newbie. All of the crap that was happening at work with my boss is taken care of too. I now just need to get through the term and I'll be one happy chick! I've decided that there's just been a lot changing in my life and need to adapt to those changes and be ready to move on with my life, no matter what comes my way. Thanks for the advice that you all left, I appreciate it. I think I'll keep posting too, at least once a week, maybe more. I like writing and it's a whole lot quicker when I just type up what it is that I'm thinking about versus trying to hand write it out in a journal. Even though sometimes it's more fun to hand write everything out. Ok well I'm off to Math class now. See y'all later :)

Cara

Life in Hell!

2007-11-19T13:09:00.000-08:00

You know me, I'm not the type of person to just want to give up. But I have never had to fight the urge to disappear so hard in my life. I feel like I'm having a complete mental break down. I never thought that a simple job as a checker at a grocery store could cause such turmoil in life. I feel as if I'm fighting my way through a crowd that never ends. To top it off I feel like I'm being a brat and cannot control my emotions. I feel like I'm letting everyone down by not giving more than I have to this term. I seriously felt as if I'm failing for the first time as a student. What's more is that I have only and hour and a half and what am I doing with that precious time? I'm blogging, but why, ok so it's because I can't stand to think about these things for one more minute and I'm hoping that by writing it all down here, and doing what my father asked me to do in the first place (share what's going on in my life with those who want to know) I'll be able to do what I need to do to get through the day. The biggest problem here is that for the last four days I've been telling myself I just need to get through Monday morning and get my reading log turned in to Artman. GOD I HATE THAT CLASS!!!! But no here I am now after writing and math and I'm back where I started, in the state of just let me get through this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take of all of this. This is truly the worst term of my life! I'd take the term I failed math over this. I'm finally starting to calm down now, but go to work? are you kidding, yay I get to put on a fake smile and pretend that I actually care about the people I see! Ok so now that I've used 16 of my precious minutes I better go take a shower! Yes is 115 and I still have not had time to shower.